For Men: The Dos and Don’ts in the Art of Getting Laid

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After considerable dating I’ve realized that most guys either don’t care to take the time to spend with a girl, they really don’t care about having a girl to begin with or they are just plain stupid and don’t know how to get laid. For this reason, I felt that it was essential to outline the Dos and Don’ts of getting laid.
Fellas, if you want to get laid, realize that you have to actually take the girl out on a date. And no, going to her place, watching TV and spending the night does not count as a date.
No, taking her to a party doesn’t count either.
Now, I am definitely not saying that if you take her out on a date, then she is automatically going to sleep with you.
There are no guarantees, but if you even want a chance with the nice-you-can-take-home-to-meet-mother kind of girl, know that it takes more effort than TV and a sleepover.
Note: flowers and/or a teddy bear are always a nice addition to any date.
Now, if you are just looking for a one night stand, then discontinue reading this now and I bid you good luck in seeking the booty call you so desperately desire.
Do not ask the girl if she has STDs or AIDS the first few times you see her because it will be obvious to her that the only thing on your mind is sex.
Secondly, at that point of the getting-to-know-you stage you will just insult her for considering that she may be tainted with such sinful diseases.
Do not think that because you are equipped with an ample supply of condoms that a girl will be ready and willing. Too often have I heard the phrase, ‘but I brought condoms.’
Sometimes you just have to submit to the fact that condoms may have to stay in their protective wrapping well over several weeks.
Next, when the girl asks you why you want to have sex with her do not simply reply ‘because, it feels good.’
Instead, say something like, ‘because I really enjoy hanging out with you, you are intelligent, sophisticated, beautiful, you are everything I have been looking for in a girl, I really enjoy the long conversations we have, you are the type of girl I could see myself dating for a long time, you have a beautiful smile, you’re fun to be around, I love everything about you,’ etc.
These types of comments lend more promise to getting into her pants.
I am not suggesting you lie to the girl if you truly do not feel any of these things for her, but be aware that if the real reason why you want to have sex with her is ‘because, it feels good,’ know that that probably isn’t going to work.
Other responses that won’t promise pleasure: ‘you have a really nice ass, it’s been a long time since I got laid, I want to be inside you, I want to be one with you, if you don’t have sex with me I am going to get blue balls.’
Do you really think a girl who gets her period every month with cramps that cause her so much pain that she has to drink hot tea, take three Advil and then crawl into bed in the fetal position is really going to feel sorry for you for being in pain just because you got too excited?
If blue balls really meant pain, they would sell pain killers for it!
Not to mention the fact that blue blue balls probably isn’t a real medical condition. Have you seen it in the medical dictionary lately because I sure haven’t.
And my personal favorite, ‘I know you want it.’ If a guy knew what a girl wanted, he wouldn’t have to impose ‘it’ upon her in the first place.
Most importantly, if a girl says she does not want to have sex with you, then believe her, and by no means try to force yourself upon her. Avoid the trick that we all know too well, ‘I just want to go inside once’ as you attempt to stick it in her.
HELL-O!
She just told you she didn’t want to have sex, so do you realize that if you actually succeed in getting it in, then technically you are raping her? I’m sure that this is a charge no one wants on his record.
Ladies, when a guy says, ‘I just want to go inside once,’ he is lying. This is just his cheap attempt to get it in and finish what he wants to accomplish.
Guys, if a girl is not willing to have sex with you, it doesn’t mean that she has issues with sex, it doesn’t mean she isn’t physical enough and it doesn’t even mean that she isn’t interested in you. It just means that she respects herself enough to wait until she is ready, which I know is hard for you guys to swallow because guys are ALWAYS ready.
And yes, whether I like to admit it or not, if you make a girl feel sensual, turn her on and please her, then she will be more likely to give in to sex, but there are no guarantees.
Places a girl likes to be touched aside from the obvious and most intimate spot are nice soft kisses on the neck or the collarbone.
Something most guys may not realize is that kisses on her upper back and her neck feel really good because this spot is ultra-sensitive.
If you know how to do it right, slight nibbles and kisses on the earlobe are a great source of pleasure, but be careful not to slobber in her ear or make disgusting slurping noises, as this is a definite turn off. Also remember, girls like to be hugged and reminded that you care about them.

Lura Jaques is a fourth-year English major.

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