Like the well-meaning folks behind Woodstock ’99 and 2003’s ‘The Texas Chainsaw Massacre,’ the editors of Cosmopolitan magazine have violated the sacred rule of remaking the classics: Don’t.
The ‘Cosmo Kama Sutra,’ a watered-down coffee-table version of the classic, promises to arm you and your significant other with ’77 mind-blowing sex positions,’ including such beasts of alliteration as ‘The Passion Pretzel,’ ‘The Wanton Wheelbarrow’ and ‘The Backstairs Boogaloo.’
Also scattered throughout the book are ‘Lust Lessons’ on topics about which no intimate couple should go uninformed, such as ‘How to Find Your G-Spot’ and ‘The Sexiest Things to Do After Sex.’
These lessons address some of the most common bedroom hurdles, such as premature ejaculation (put ‘the jerk’ on him!), how to find the perfect lube (water-based only!) and a less-than-endowed partner (do ‘The Sexual Seesaw’!).
Incidentally, with many positions falling under the ‘But my body doesn’t bend that way!’ category, readers should consider perusing the lesson on ‘Pre-Sex Stretches’ before getting down to the nitty-gritty.
Because, boy, does it get gritty.
Take, for example, the instructions for ‘The Sexual Seesaw,’ which begin, ‘Lie on your back and lift your legs up and back until they land near your ears, parallel to the floor.’
Or how about ‘The Love Triangle’ for a geometry lesson-cum-nookie? First, ‘lie on your back on the floor