There Are Funnier Things, So Get Over It

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I consider myself an authority on what is funny and what is stupid. It would behoove the reader to follow my advice.
‘Brokeback Mountain’ was released about four months ago and people are still making jokes about its sheep-herding, homosexual male leads. These jokes are not funny. In fact, they are stupid, immature, lame and unoriginal.
Essentially, the people who make these jokes simply substitute the word ‘gay’ with ‘Brokeback’ or ‘Brokeback Mountain,’ which doesn’t make grammatical sense. Yet even late-night talk show hosts resort to this same childish brand of humor.
Two men or two women who are in love with each other aren’t ‘Brokeback Mountain,’ as I’ve heard people say frequently for the past few months. Two guys who hug each other aren’t ‘Brokeback.’ Elton John isn’t a ‘Brokeback’ musician.
Gay people don’t approach straight couples and say, ‘Hey, look at that ‘When Harry Met Sally’ couple! They’re so ‘When Harry’!’ This is because they understand how dumb it would sound. But for some odd reason, most Americans don’t know and understand that ‘Brokeback Mountain’ jokes suck.
I make fun of people for the music they listen to, but I’m a little craftier. I wouldn’t call someone who listens to Coldplay a ‘Parachute,’ which brings me to the second item on my list of what is not funny.
Emo kids listen to music that they enjoy and most of them keep to themselves. But for reasons I don’t understand, everyone who doesn’t listen to emo has to make fun of the people who do.
I don’t tell people which bands I listen to because I get tired of seeing them roll their eyes and shake their heads. When this happens, I feel that somehow, I’ve done something stupid when I’ve done nothing wrong at all.
It gives a lot of music fans some kind of pseudo-sexual drive to point, laugh and mock people who listen to Dashboard Confessional, Thursday and Death Cab for Cutie. Sometimes, it goes beyond simple jokes and turns into arguments.
On radio shows, a DJ will spend five or six minutes talking about the things emo kids do that bothers him so much. ‘The way they comb their hair and feel sorry for themselves and listen to whiny music, it’s so sickening,’ I heard someone say as I drove home from school.
I don’t comb my hair, I don’t feel sorry for anyone (especially people who actually take time out of their day to complain about the music that emo kids listen to), and the music I listen to is usually about depression, so of course it’s going to sound whiny.
I try not to make fun of people who listen to metal because I understand they need something banal and uncomplicated to absorb, and I don’t judge anyone for listening to rap even though I think it is terrible.
So I do not understand why anyone has the right to insult people who listen to emo (which is a term used only by people who don’t listen to it). I think it rocks, I like playing it in my car after a bad day, it makes me feel better and it is so much cooler than anything else being sold in CD stores.
It vexes me that in a country with senators who take bribes in the form of antiques, houses and rugs, a country with a president who has a Southern accent, people think that a movie with gay cowboys is hilarious.
There are so many other things going on in America that are much funnier, yet we choose to focus subjects that are largely irrelevant.
Lastly, what I say in New University reaches an audience estimated at 10.68 billion people, so I should also mention to the 10.67 billion of those readers who make jokes about ‘Brokeback Mountain’ that jokes about Samuel L. Jackson’s next movie ‘Snakes on a Plane’ are also not funny.
The movie is going to be a spectacular feat of mediocrity, and I anticipate its release with every red blood cell pumping through my veins, but I don’t need to hear expressionless college students who think ‘Brokeback’ jokes are funny saying, ‘Ha ha. Have you heard about Samuel L. Jackson’s new movie?’
Yes, I have. Get over it.

Jacob Beizer is a second-year English major. He can be reached at jbezier@uci.edu.

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