Stop Worrying About ‘The Da Vinci Code’ and Start Worshiping Stev

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Allow me to preface some things before I talk about one of the biggest entertainment stories of this year, ‘The Da Vinci Code.’
I am a reluctant atheist with little to no religious upbringing. My mom is a Christian, basically, and my stepfather is a Jew.
I have read ‘The Da Vinci Code’ and despite recognizing the poor writing and later learning about many of the historical inaccuracies, I could not put it down for three days straight and enjoyed every minute of it. It is probably my one and only literary guilty pleasure and I am not ashamed of it.
Finally, not only do I plan on seeing ‘The Da Vinci Code,’ I am actually superexcited to see it, despite bad reviews and Tom Hanks’ hair. Oh yeah, and I also love Audrey Tautou and would get in a fight to defend her honor (as long as I wouldn’t break anything), but that doesn’t really have to do with anything here.
Now this may not be possible, but try not to be too offended when I ask, ‘How annoying are these Christians who are all up in arms over ‘The Da Vinci Code’?’
The answer is, ‘Really annoying. Maybe some of my fellow Orange County Cox customers can sympathize, but if I have to see one more commercial by the Mariner’s Church about how historical fact proves ‘The Da Vinci Code’ to be wrong, I may have to burn a Bible. (Dear Christians everywhere, I would never burn a Bible unless I needed it for firewood.)
Let me explain how an atheist perceives Christians actually putting time and money into making sure that people don’t ‘believe’ ‘The Da Vinci Code.’
To put it broadly, this is what I observe: Old White Guys get upset that a certain middle aged white guy’s poorly written but popular piece of fiction refutes their own even more poorly written but only slightly more popular piece of fiction. Hey, New York Times, feel free to use that last line for any ‘The Da Vinci Code’ related headline.
Bible thumpers fighting to prove that what ‘The Da Vinci Code’ says about the Bible, to me, is kind of like Sir Arthur Conan Doyle fans protesting ‘The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen’ for how Sherlock Holmes is depicted in the comic.
So maybe this is a bit drastic, but maybe I just hate those Mariner’s Church commercials because I think they are for ‘The Da Vinci Code’ at first, and I get all excited and then disappointed and upset when they are not.
Maybe this is my last column of the year and I don’t really know where it’s going.
What I do know is that I think all religions should probably just put down their texts, leave their sacred monuments and start worshiping the Apple Company.
I mean, have you seen this new apple store on Fifth Avenue in Manhattan? I hate to celebrate capitalism, but these guys are making it damn hard.
The new store features a huge glass cube that houses a staircase which leads to an underground Apple Store. From the pictures online it looks like the bridge of a futuristic spaceship, which is what I want the inside of all stores to look like. And it is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
I think I can confidently say that it is better than the Wailing Wall or the Kaaba in Mecca or Le Notre Dame.
I want to go to Manhattan right now snuggle my face up against that big glass cube.
Yeah, that would make my day, especially if I did it after watching ‘The Da Vinci Code.’

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