Staff Farewell by Xenia Tashlitsky

“This is Preservation Month. I appreciate preservation. It’s what you do when you run for president. You gotta preserve,” said President George W. Bush. (Sadly, the Strategerer-in-Chief was speaking at a celebration of Perseverance Month.) And this is Opinion, so I gotta opine.
As Chief Comrade of the Opinion Section, I spent six months striking the fear of God and “Glitter” into the hearts of artichokes, copy editors and cage-free eggs everywhere. The New University taught me the meaning of fun, the meaning of friendship and the meaning of douchebag.
According to Chief Comrade Xenia’s Communist Starfish Manifesto, the New University shalt not frolic with 4chan, fornicate with administration or mess with Texas. Finally, the New University shall feed its writers by writing them feedback, for the geeks shall inherit the newspaper.
The Raul Castro to my Fidel is Chief Comrade Jeannette and her Speedo-wearing sidekick, Lil’ Comserino Ali. I couldn’t have asked for a better (or Sithlier) apprentice to tap into her inner anger, rise up and strike me down.
For my end-of-the-year award, I have a present for her. I’ll give you a hint: It’s in my diaper, and it involves Vladimir Ilyich Lenin.
Shout-outs: Kudos to my section’s flippin’ sweet weekly staff: Kevin Pease, Daniel Johnson, Ryon Graf, Mengfei Chen, Patrick Ross, Ali Saadi, Baron Aaron, Super Nathan, Elysabeth Hahm, Resham Parikh, American Imperialism and Chuck Norris.
Of course, this quarter’s weekly Antics artists are also teh awsum: Erin Johnson, Jose Delgado, Gabriel Tellez, Daniel Harnack, Travis Wright, Tiffany Smart and Amy Muratani. BTW, could I plz have a lolcat tiger for my senior thesis on Tamil Tigers? He should be saying, “I can has state? State, I can has it.”
Random Serious Writing (on Writing): “The most valuable of all talents is that of never using two words when one will do,” said American revolutionary Thomas Jefferson. Jefferson’s almost revolutionarily brief Declaration of Independence reveals that quantity and quality are not necessarily directly related.
Two years on the New University staff have taught me to examine evidence, analyze arguments and use examples, humor, people and places to develop a dialogue with the reader about today’s pressing problems and extraordinary events.
But most importantly, writing for the New University has shown me that no matter one’s year, major or subject of study, the struggles, skills and rewards of writing are universal.