I am sure you always wondered what you like most about Halloween, and of course you wished that someone would make a list of just that. After using a series of scientific voodoo rituals, I have forged a list of the 10 best rewards All Hallow’s Eve has to offer. Growing up on the Pease farm in the middle of twelve children, I had the down-home experience of an American. (By farm, of course I mean cul-de-sac, and by 12, I mean three.) Remember, this list is created by science and thus is perfect until discredited.
10. Everyone loves the orange and brown colors of Halloween, but where this category really gets me excited is in creepy décor. The Anteater Recreational Center has a witch and mummy I practically expect to leap out at me. However, decorations lose points for the way fake cobwebs feel and clean up.
9. Whether it is from consuming fattening candy, or consummating with a fat guy dressed as a peanut butter cup, we all share the same sense of shame. The nature of Halloween encourages people to lose themselves in their own desires. It is only natural that children devote their evening to candy, adolescents to mischief and young adults to drinking and sexual expression.
8. Coming in at number eight are Halloween marathons that abound around this time of year. Plus, some shows produce their best work in their Halloween specials. Notable works include the Buffy the Vampire Slayer Halloween specials and the Simpsons’ Treehouse of Horror. Something about watching a Scotsman get axed in the back three times just tickles my funny bone.
7. Haunted houses truly capture the Halloween experience of seeking to make you defecate in your trousers. The best ones are at the theme parks; something about having millions of dollars helps. The Haunted Mansion at Disneyland has brought out the Nightmare Before Christmas upgrade, now complete with ginger smell.
6. As children we all possessed the ability to be fueled by sugar-packed treats the same way a crack addict can run on his drug of choice. It was all that consumed us, and on Halloween we were given access to all the candy we could find. Needless to say people had to go to kid rehab. However, a jeer goes out to candy corn for being a candy flavored after a vegetable.
5. Feeling like a kid again pops up in number five. Halloween speaks to your inner child in a way only topped by Christmas. I do not care how stone-hearted you may be; once you have just carved a jack-o-lantern and put on your costume, you lose 10 years of age and maturity. I saw my girlfriend try on a bee costume the other day and my head virtually exploded due to an overload of cuteness.
4. There is almost nothing more enjoyable than watching a great ,but horrifying movie in a theater, or at home with the lights off. Stay away from the corny and predictable slashers. We all know that sluts die and virgins survive. You would think that teen sex would be non-existent at Camp Crystal Lake. Hit up movies that lie farther away from the norm. “The Evil Dead” series can fill you with horror and laughter. “The Descent” grips your heart and never holds up. To our generation, old people tend to be scary, so what better way to shave a couple years off your life than picking up the classics like “The Shining” or “The Exorcist.”
3. It would not be Halloween without the keg-fueled sex fests that are Halloween parties. Ever walk into a house filled with so many people it feels like the building is sweating? The place is packed wall to wall with girls dressed in slutty outfits and guys with no shame are inhaling enough alcohol to kill most small mammals. Everyone knows the Borat and sexy nurse are going to make some regrettable decisions, just like they themselves will later.
2. Surplus items are a secret the thrifty spender should revel in. Before you are an adult you are flooded with free candy, but once you grow up and are not cute anymore you need to find it other places. Once Halloween ends, stores are flooded with all the candy, props, decorations and costumes the stores could not sell before the holiday. This forces them to sell me candy at rock-bottom prices. I will kill a man for a Reese’s, but they are willing to sell me a pound of them for a couple dollars just because they are shaped like a pumpkin.
1. Of course, costumes take the win. Was there ever any doubt? People of all ages ponder one question whenever Halloween draws near. What am I going to be? The best part about this question is that it does not ask what you are going to dress up as, but who you want to become for one night. You are given a night when you are allowed to shed your old image and become an entirely different person. For children, it is another chance to indulge your imagination, but for an adult it is a chance to leave their mundane life behind and follow their heart. In the case of people our age this typically involves ho-ing it up.
On Oct. 31 I plan to don my best Batman suit and hit the town; I hope that you will join me.