Halloween: The Least of Your Worries

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By Emily Ling
By Emily Ling

If you are anything like the average college student, you probably have not been scared of Halloween for a while. Sometimes you miss the holiday of your childhood. There was free candy and scary movies that left you genuinely afraid to go to bed for weeks. You ran away screaming from your neighbor’s porch on October 31st because they had one of those motion-sensor moving vampires/zombies/witches/(insert Halloween cliché here)s.

So, for all you Anteaters who miss being a kid, we at the New U are here to let you know that it’s okay. You can still be scared on Halloween. Hell, now you can be scared 365 days of the year because there are scarier things than those squash candle-holders, cotton spider webs and black-lights.

There are the actual spiders of UC Irvine. You know, the inordinately large and furry ones with the invisible web that somehow pop out of nowhere and scare the shit out of you if you are not paying attention. These spiders are no contenders for the creepiness of the new Peter the Anteater statue in the Student Center. In the dark, Peter resembles a serial rapist (or Spencer Pratt from the Hills). With his shady sunglasses and a smile that is clearly hiding something, the human-sized anteater just sits on that bench with his laptop, his arm outstretched in a come-hither look.

But, we can take some comfort in the fact that Peter is tightly cemented to that bench. He will never stalk you, which is more than we can say for the Green Peace volunteers on Ring Road. “Hey you in the boots, do you like whales?!?!,” they cry out while you are innocently trying to get from class to class. Beware, if you do not stop or make up an excuse, they will follow you to that class and annoy you the entire way there. The longer it looks like it has been since they have last showered, the longer they will stalk you.

Then there are those abstract fears that UCI provides. Getting a massive ticket from UCI Parking or the huge tuition increase next year are enough to make any student hit the ground running. Even Mark Yudof slightly resembles the horror-movie staple, Igor. But the main reason that we at the New U feel that we know scary is because we know news. Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past two weeks, you are probably familiar with balloon boy, the little kid whose parents made him hide in the attic in a box while they released their homemade hot air balloon and declared him missing to gain media attention. The sheer fact that people like this exist is terrifying enough.

Almost as terrifying is having a Henessy-intoxicated Kanye West try to take your award and give it to Beyoncé. It’s at least as scary as Miley Cyrus’ pole dancing skills. Or what about Lady Gaga? She sends shivers down more people’s spines than Morticia ever could.

We don’t have room to write about everything that scares us in the world. The economic recession alone merits all of the fears listed in this article combined. So, for all of you going to Santa Barbara or LA or even the five or six of you who actually stay in Irvine next weekend, we just want to help you regain the fright that this holiday used to inspire. Believe it or not, Halloween was not invented to have girls dress up as different slutty variations of normally cute and cuddly animals like bunnies, or to have boys come up with comical costumes to make said bunnies laugh enough to hop into bed with them. It’s okay girls; you can always just blame it on being scared.

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