Those With Self-Righteous Attitudes Need Not Read On

Around 11:30 one night, I pulled up to the beat-up intercom of Alejandro’s drive-thru, studying the menu as if my future depended on my choice between a carne asada burrito and carne asada nachos. Suddenly, the vibrating of my phone broke my concentration, and I glanced at it before responding to the static spitting out of the intercom.
It was Johnny-from-two-weeks-ago. Uh oh. At 11:30, Johnny-from-two-weeks-ago could only be calling me for one thing.
I let my phone continue to buzz as I hurriedly ordered, now only concerned with my decision of whether or not to return the booty call.
For those of you who have lived in a cave or Alaska for the past decade, a ‘booty call’ is a phone call with the sole intention of requesting sex. The term also refers to the recipient of such a call, as I was that night.
Booty calls most likely emerged into pop-American slang after the idiom was used to entitle some early-’90s B-rate flick. The act itself has probably been around for as long as humans have had booties, or at least telephones.
Some couples use it to refer to their own spontaneous rendezvous, but for one reason or another it has a negative connotation when the user of the term is not part of a proclaimed couple. ‘Ooh, casual sex is bad,’ they say.
But when it’s between two (or more) consenting adults, who cares? There’s no reason why those of us who have yet to find that person commonly referred to as ‘the one’ should go without booty.
These flings are just underrated. Don’t knock it till you try it, I say. I’d compile a list of cons, but I can’t even think of any (if you nag me about the immorality of casual sex one more time, I’ll wish permanent chastity upon you). So here’s my list of booty call pros:

GETTIN’ DOWN TO LOOSEN UP.

Long-term sexual deprivation is no laughing matter. It can be debilitating enough to affect one’s performance at work and attitude around others (especially those lucky bastards who actually get some on a regular basis). If you’ve ever been called an up-tight jerk of a person, a booty call may be just what you need. At least some form of sex, booty call or otherwise. Sex allows its participants to release unnecessary pent-up aggression in less time than any massage therapist or psychologist can. To deny this need denies oneself of a whole organ system, so there’s no point in letting pass an opportunity to liberate oneself from such an enfeeblement, should such an opportunity come along. Even if it is a booty call.

COMMITMENTLESS BLISS.

As long as you and your booty caller/callee can commit yourselves to having sex with no strings attached, then that is all the commitment necessary with booty calls. Booty call participants don’t let silly nonsense like feelings get in the way. Thus, no one gets hurt. Sure, you might be missing out on the bliss associated with real love, but you aren’t missing out on the joy of getting some. Of course, refrain from such calls if you’re one of those emotionally vulnerable souls that tend to confuse lust with love. Make sure you are comfortable and don’t feel like anyone is being used, and keep in mind that it’s all just for fun.

DON’T STRESS TO IMPRESS, JUST UNDRESS!

When you don’t have any feelings for the other person, there’s no need to lie and say ‘I love you,’ ‘I enjoy talking to you’ or ‘You’re so big!’ You can drop all that B.S. intended to impress one another and just get down to business. You can even decline from doing anything that’s too kinky for you, or possibly even suggest doing something that you’d normally feel embarrassed to bring up with a person you actually care about. Just feel free to have fun without worrying about what your partner thinks, even if you do make that weird face.

BROADENING YOUR BOOTY-FUL HORIZONS.

A person with the perfect combination of intelligence, wit, compassion and beauty is hard to come by. But if booty is all you’re looking for, why worry about how much that person can make you laugh? You can even date a charm-less, conceited prick