Surviving as a Giants Fan
Baseball is a sport of class and sophistication. To put it simply, Dodgers fans have a severe and troubling lack of any shred of these characteristics.
I, along with two other Giants fans and one Dodgers fan, made the trip to historic Dodger Stadium on a beautiful April evening.
What happened there troubles me to repeat. We barely made it out alive.
Here, I have comprised a set of rules any non-Dodgers fan must abide by if you plan on keeping your life, your dignity, or maybe even both at Dodger Stadium:
Do not look at anyone!
I truly cannot express this enough.
Be sure not to make any eye contact with the scary man banging on the back of your uncomfortable bleacher seat saying derogatory words at you.
Do not look your friends in utter disgust of the many drunken fights breaking out six feet behind you.
Don’t even look at the seemingly innocent children donning Dodgers gear, for they won’t hesitate to scream ‘Giants suck.’ Yeah, I know, it’s absolutely terrible. Unless you like peanut and sunflower seed shells and various forms of liquids covering your body, don’t even consider opening your eyes … the entire time.
Do not talk to anyone!
Talking at all merely fuels the rage within the confused souls of Dodgers fans. An infinite amount of ‘fuck you’s and ‘San Fag-cisco’s will be spit violently your way, for no other reason than wearing a Giants logo.
Talking back to them is a signal for wanting them to strip you of your clothes and having them passed back 30 rows to be thrown high above on top of the pavilion ceiling.
At one point, a fellow civilized Giants fan had his hat stolen and literally ripped apart and its guts displayed barbarically and proudly high upon a rolled up poster like a trophy.
Do not look at anyone!!
I repeat this rule just to stress the point. You will be killed if you look at anyone at anytime.
I think I saw a small child with a knife to the throat of a Barry Bonds bobble-head.
Do not leave your seat!
Once you sit down, prepare to stay for the long haul. Any bathroom or food run is accompanied by a long and agonizing set of drunken boos and middle fingers in your face when you return. Only in extreme situations of starvation or an insanely high risk for a urinary tract infection should you even consider standing up.
Do not acknowledge the torment!
Once again, you’re in a situation where you are only fueling the fire if you make any sort of gesture or comment.
Even if half digested foodstuffs are being thrown at your face or you’re receiving a barrage of ‘faggot’ remarks, make sure to keep your attention to the game.
Assuming you are an educated baseball enthusiast (a.k.a. not a Dodgers fan), it shouldn’t be too hard to focus in on the game and tune out the cannibalistic acts across the aisle.
These Dodgers fans have ruined the classic legacy of baseball.
For approximately 85 percent of the game, the crowd was more focused on the fights they caused than the great game the Dodgers were actually winning.
My opinions are not unguided.
I’ve played, watched, and loved baseball my whole life and I am not willing to sit idly by and let these hooligans ruin the game. If you are a Dodgers fan, I truly suggest you change your team to a more sophisticated ball club, unless of course you consider verbal and physical assault a part of the tradition of baseball.
Mike Sondheim is a third year mathematics major.