Take the Stairs Day—The Ups and Downs of Lovin’ an Elevator

Last week with all the to-do about the College Republicans and the Muslim Student Union, you may have overlooked another important on-campus event: Take the Stairs Day.
I can’t say that I know much about Take the Stairs Day, but I saw a few posters around campus and I can infer from the event’s title that it was just the latest in a string of events intended to slander and defame campus elevators.
They can say what they want about how many ‘kilowatts per hour’ it takes to operate an elevator, but are you really getting the big picture? Consider these striking statistics.
400: On a scale of one to 500, how much I hate taking the stairs.
1: Number of times I’ve fallen on a set of stairs, requiring stitches in my chin.
0: Number of times I’ve fallen in an elevator, requiring stitches in my chin.
2: Number of times I’ve seen that famous scene in Rocky where he climbs up all the stairs.
3: Number of the Rocky movie where he fights Mr. T.
8.25: Typical maximum riser height (in inches) for a stair.
5: Position reached by the Aerosmith song, ‘Love in an Elevator’ on the Billboard Top 100.
Pretty astonishing, huh?
And consider this: According to Wikipedia, elevators are the safest vehicle ever.
Furthermore, according to me, elevators are the funnest vehicle ever.
Also consider that while ‘funnest’ may not be a ‘real’ word, the only people who point that out are dumb people who want to sound smart.
Which brings me to this point: Elevators offer some very enticing romantic possibilities, at least judging by the music video for ‘Love in an Elevator.’ I have not personally been greeted by an attractive young elevator operator who says, ‘Going down?’ while conspicuously looking at my crotch, but it seems to happen to Steven Tyler a lot.
The closest I have come to romance in an elevator is this one time when I was in an elevator that broke down for a few hours, and I had to eat my sherpa guide just to stay alive.
In retrospect, I guess that it wasn’t really very romantic at all, and in fact was more akin to tragedy, but at the time, it struck me as pretty damn romantic the way he involuntarily sacrificed his life to save mine.
Then there was this time when I was in an elevator that didn’t break down, but I ate my then-best friend even though I realize now that I wasn’t very hungry.
Now that I think about it, I’ve eaten a lot of people in a lot of elevators. I’ve eaten my karate instructor in an elevator ride to the top of the Empire State Building. I ate George Washington during his famous elevator ride over the Delaware. I even ate Willy Wonka in a tour of London in his great glass elevator.
In fact, I think it’s safe to say that I’m the undisputed elevator-passenger eater of the world, although I think that either David ‘Coondog’ O’Karma, a competitive eater from Ohio or that Takeru Kobayashi guy have probably eaten a fair share of people on elevators in their time.