The Gateway Theses: Rules To Live By

These theses in regard to the Gateway Study Center, are concerns that have no doubt been brewing in the minds of the more conscientious of us for some time, but to the best of my knowledge, have yet to be expressed in more formal and public terms. These imperatives, though not limited to Finals Week, have therein special poignancy that should be recognized and respected. Also, this is by no means an exhaustive list of mandates; amendments can, and very well should, be made. The author of these theses recognizes that facilitating change is difficult. However, he hopes that the public declaration of these terms will grant courage to those who have hitherto been too meek or too politic and cautious to articulate their justified discontent.
1. Blue upholstered chairs, with concavities in the seat that would make moon craters blush, which have molested both buttocks and back of any and all unfortunate newcomers who sit upon them, and made veteran Gateway-ites cringe with disgust, shall be burned in one massive, glorious bonfire. That this issue has not aroused more public indignation is, to this author, rather surprising, seeing as how these abominations have most likely been around since the first Roosevelt administration.
2. Though most have become accustomed to it, a solution needs still to be found for the goddamned- eerie-ass-wind-through-the-hollow-oak-trees-in-a-dark-enchanted-forest-sound produced by the wind through the main doors. If this problem cannot be mended because of some deep-seeded architectural flaw, then at the very least a solution must be conjured up for the rattling rafters in the computer center alcove, whose violent shaking may give some students hyped on caffeine (or whatever the poison of choice may be) a series of minor coronaries.
3. All sustained conversations inside of the quiet areas, shall, as ordained by the pastel-colored signs posted on adjacent walls and pillars, be confined to a whisper or murmur at most. Any discussion, not to say mindless palaver, that transgresses bounds of common decency and respect for one’s peers, shall be dealt with brusquely (of course if you’re the one doing it, then you’re probably not reading this anyway, you rude, ignorant, selfish rat-fink bastard. You and your mindless, useless, inconsiderate cronies should burn in hell).
4. Mobile phone conversations shall under no circumstances be permitted indoors. Those who wish to chatter away with their nearest and dearest concerning matters of the utmost importance (e.g., about how much they can’t wait for finals week to be over, or how smashed/faded Josh or Stacey or Brent or Stephanie was last night), shall do so with the understanding that they will consequently have to brave the elements (Note: I myself provide a one-time one-minute grace period to this type of offender before I go ape shit).
5. Backpacks, or other items that represent possession of space, shall not be placed on adjacent desks when the seat is not being reserved. (Appended logistical note: no more than two seats shall be reserved at any given time and none shall be reserved in the computer area). Furthermore, if said items are left unattended for more than one hour during peak Gateway hours, when students are practically clamoring over one another for a seat, the owners shall not have any option for due process after finding that their items have been drenched in urine by someone bitter enough to carry around asparagus with him wherever he goes.
6. Pungent food and foodstuffs, primarily of, though not necessarily limited to, Asian cuisine