Weekly Forecast: The Future of All UCI’s Students in One Column

Tally the number of letters in your last name and read your forecast below. If you have more than five letters in your last name, divide the number in half until you have a number below five. If you end up with a decimal number, round to the nearest whole number.
1. Take your life thoughtfully. Delay things. Honestly, you don’t have much to worry about considering it is possible that your last name only has one letter. With all that time you must have saved on scantrons, I can’t imagine what in the world you would have to worry about. Take it easy. When someone hands you a flyer on Ring Road, grasp it and say, ‘Thank you. I was hoping someone would give me a flyer today … jackass.’
2. Look, today your father is going to come to school and take you out to lunch. Usually that would be a really nice thing, But, today he’s got some bad news. He is going to tell you about the disease that you will soon inherit from your toothless, backwoods grandma. It’s called HAF Disease-Hairy Ass Face. But, don’t worry one of the symptoms is having an awesome personality.
3. After avoiding your savage side for too long, campus buildings are going to start looking like huge menacing predators. Computers and books look like prey and you are tempted to bite into them. When Peter the Anteater walks by, you will lose your cool and attack. Basically you are mixing too many drugs. Try sticking to one catagory: uppers or downers. And whatever the dosage is, I am guessing it’s way too high for any species smaller than a horse. You are wigging everyone out and our mascot is bleeding. Sorry Peter.
4. When you see police officers you’ll be so scared that you’ll call 911. But, your fingers are kind pudgy and you’ll end up accidentally being connected with the police department. Next week’s Campus Police Log will be full of messages such as, ‘Police officer hog-tying student with abnormally pudgy fingers.’
5. Taking a swig of whisky will not help you with your problems. Two swigs might help … and then the next will probably hurt … but the next one will be great … and that last one will be the best.