Putting to Rest the Rumors That I Am A Child Abductor

My name is Michael Devlin Olson. Hello. You may know me from the articles I’ve written for this fine publication, or from my extensive charity work. It is more likely, however, that you know me as that irritating guy who pissed you off with some pedantic and unsolicited advice on sentence structure. Regardless, good evening.
Recently, two-thirds of my good name was besmirched by a resident of Kirkwood, Missouri. On Jan. 12, authorities discovered two missing boys in the apartment of a local man who is now being held on $1 million bail.
That man’s name? Michael Devlin.
Please believe me when I say that, despite some startling similarities, I am not the Michael Devlin who kidnapped these two boys. Allow me to elucidate.
A Jan. 13, 2007 article in the St. Louis Post-Dispatch described Devlin as ‘a private man who kept to himself,’ ‘paid the rent on time,’ ‘stayed out of trouble’ and ‘won his employer’s respect.’ I would like it to be known that although I stay out of trouble and keep to myself, my curriculum vitae is a long series of burned bridges. I also include the late fee in my rent check out of habit.
Devlin held down two jobs, one as the manager of an Imo’s Pizza and the other as a part-time employee of Bopp Chapel funeral home. While it is true that I too have managed an Imo’s franchise, mine was the Maplewood location, not the Kirkwood one. Likewise, if you’ll take a look at Bopp Chapel’s records, you’ll see that my official position is as a consultant rather than as a part-time employee.
Yes, Devlin and I both drive white trucks. Yes, they are of exactly the same make and model. Mine, however, has a distinctive sticker in the cab’s rear window