Seven Signs That Bunnies Are Taking Over the World
They’re cuter than Hello Kitty. They’re creepier than ‘Plan 9 from Outer Space.’ They’re not Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. They’re bunnies.
And they’re taking over the world.
1) They’re smart.
On Friday nights, the bunnies amass on the grass in front of the Arroyo Vista frat houses. If you think they’re there to hop, nibble or perform Satanic rituals, the bunnies are lulling you into a false sense of security. They’re there to give drunk people heart attacks. When the bodies fall on the grass, the bunnies drink their beer. Guinness goes well with carrots, while Budweiser brings out the flavor of fertilizer.
2) They’re fast.
On an average day in AV, the sun is shining, the students are ditching and the bunnies are sitting, staring or sitting and staring. But when they’re not sitting and/or staring, bunnies are faster than a speeding bullet, the wind and Forrest Gump combined. To catch a bunny, one must be silent and stealthy, like a ninja.
3) They’re smooth.
Have you ever emptied out your piggy bank, your couch and your roommate’s Swiss bank account to a Yahoo! personal ad that starts, ‘You remind me of Pokemon. I just wanna Pikachu,’ all to get one measly date? Then have you noticed the number of baby bunnies and gotten really, really depressed?
4) They have a secret hideout.
Inspired by bird watching, whale watching and Baywatch (because it has the word watch), I went bunny watching. The plan: Climb into the canyon behind AV, locate the bunnies’ underground lair and infiltrate their Axis of Evil using an Easter bunny costume and carrots. I jumped over the fence exactly the way a graceful gazelle wouldn’t. The next morning, AV issued a bobcat warning in the canyon.
I never found the bunnies’ secret hideout. It was that secret.
5) They’ve infiltrated the system.
Across the street from the Irvine Civic Center, there is a Bunny Crossing. That’s right, a yellow, diamond-shaped sign with one big bunny and three little bunnies crossing the street. Meanwhile, a person can’t cross the street without a near-death experience involving an automobile, a unicyclist or a teenybopper on rolling tennis shoes. Also the pedestrian could get a jaywalking ticket. The bunnies have spoken. They said, ‘You may have the opposable thumbs, but we have the crosswalk.’
6) They’ve brainwashed an army of the undead.
At http://www.showbunny.com, the folks thought that bunnies were cute, cuddly pets that they could shake and squeeze and dress in little Santa hats. Little did they know that the bunnies were plotting revenge. On a dark and stormy night, the bunnies attacked and transformed them into a small army of zombie slaves. Take a look at how they completed the sentence ‘You know you’re a rabbit breeder when…”: “you haven’t gotten an e-mail or phone call from your non-rabbit friends in months,” “you have a rabbit vehicle,’ ‘you go out to purchase something and don’t care that your shirt has manure, hair, blood, etc. all over it. Then you wonder why everyone keeps giving you odd looks,’ ‘you count how many rabbits you have and wonder where the heck they all came from.’
I’m worried about this person.
7) Today: UCI. Tomorrow: The world.
In Switzerland, there was a Swatch watch called Bunny Sutra with bunnies in various compromising positions. It cost $129.95 on eBay and sold out in a week. In America, there was a giant Bunny Sutra ad in Times Square. It caused traffic accidents. In the British Empire, there was a wine flask with what the folks at the Fitzwilliam Museum in Cambridge like to call ‘pornographic rabbits.’ It was responsible for the entire Alcoholics Anonymous Class of 1776. In Ancient Rome, there was a perfume bottle shaped like a dead bunny. It caused the collapse of the Roman Empire. I smell a conspiracy.