How to Make the Most of Your Drinking Habit

Thanks to the existence of the police, a large, suspiciously friendly prison inmate named Bubba, and/or gravity, people are thinking twice about drinking and driving, drinking and skydiving and drinking and performing Swan Lake. Result: a lot of bored drunk people. Here’s how to make your drunkenness work for you.
1. Make a memorable first impression.
When confronted with new faces, places and situations, does your first impression lack confidence and positivity?
Then let this drunk person, whose name has been omitted to protect the guilty, teach you a thing or two about talking the talk:
‘I have the best tunes in the world! I have %&*@!#$ awesome tunes! Does anyone want to complement my %&*@!#$ awesome tunes? Because my tunes are %&*@!#$ awesome!
‘Last night, my friend and I had a misunderstanding with the cops. We relocated some bicycles. They were leaning against the fence. They needed to be moved. So we threw them over the fence. When I woke up, I remembered that my friend was in jail