I know as much about the upcoming ASUCI elections as most students at UC Irvine. That is, I don’t know any of the candidates, what they’re running for, what their jobs would be or what ‘ASUCI’ stands for. Nevertheless, now that it’s election week, I feel the press of democracy upon me and the urge to participate. For the benefit of the rest of UCI’s uninformed electorate, I present an analysis of a handful of the candidates based solely on their campaign posters.
Superficial? Yes. Easy? Of course. Tongue-in-cheek? Even of courser.
Candidate Name: Salima Ali
Running For: At-Large Representative
Poster: A photograph of Ali tattooed on Homer Simpson’s arm, and the tiny words ‘Every Student, Every Voice!!’ A dialogue balloon attributed to Homer reads, ‘VOTE SALIMA! nananana LEADER!’
Analysis: For someone who wants to be an ‘at-large representative,’ Ali depicts herself as awfully small and inconsequential. Her willing association with a brain-damaged alcoholic is questionable at best, as is his explicit endorsement of her as a ‘leader.’ The idea of every student having a voice is admirable but clearly not as important as the grinning idiot who sports Ali as body art.
Conclusion: Pandering to the hardcore ‘Simpsons’ demographic may win her the seat, but at what cost?
Candidate Name: Chelsey Liwag-Estrada
Running For: Vice-President of Student Services
Poster: Pink. A cartoon heart saying ‘Vote for Chelsey!’ floating above the words, ‘Listen to your heart.’
Analysis: Liwag-Estrada seems to be a caring, personable individual, what with that heart and the pink paper and all, but this also sends the message that she’s soft and puts her feelings ahead of practical matters. I don’t know what the vice-president of student services does, but I wager that a Liwag-Estrada victory would mean a sharp increase in kittens. And possibly rainbow stickers.
Conclusion: Love is all well and good, but scholastic politics is no place for starry-eyed dreamers (for all I know) who listen to their hearts.
Running For: Administrative Affairs Vice President
Poster: Black silhouette of Sherlock Holmes on a red background, and the words ‘Vote Holmes.’
Analysis: I can only assume that the average administrative affairs vice president has to do a fair amount of deducing and sleuthing. If this is the case, then Holmes (first name unknown) is right to invoke the spirit of his fictional progenitor Sherlock. Unfortunately, the great detective was also a melancholic smart-ass with a propensity for playing violin and shooting morphine.
Conclusion: Despite Holmes’ keenly deductive mind, I fear his term may be cut short by a near-fatal encounter with an arch-nemesis atop a waterfall.
Running For: Unknown
Poster: Butcher paper with the words ‘Listen 2 BOB MARLEY then vote for HANNAH’ in blue spray-paint.
Analysis: Frankly, I’m a little irked by the legwork apparently thrust upon me before I can even vote for this candidate. I don’t own any Bob Marley, so I can only assume that this Hannah expects me to illegally download his work through a peer-to-peer file-sharing network