I Love Chess (And I Don’t Mean The ABBA Musical)

If you are elected president of the Estonian Chess Federation, you have a 50 percent chance of pawning your Ford Pinto for a graphing calculator named Bertha, a 60 percent chance of purchasing a pair of suspenders, and a 100 percent chance of being a tall, blond Scandinavian supermodel named Carmen Kass. So what else can black, white and checkered do for you?
1. Forget crunk juice. If you wanna be a baller with jailbait, strippers and South American government plots, all you need is a chess timer. According to ‘The Australian,’ 15-year-old Emilio Cordova won the South American Chess Championship. Then he moved in with a 29-year-old Brazilian stripper. To get him back, Emilio’s father enlisted the help of a South American country’s government. At least Cordova’s chess medal can still pass for bling. In elementary school, my chess coach was this close to changing his personal information to ‘Name: James Bond. Marital Status: Often. Children: Various.’ That’s when my parents decided to sign me up for ballet.
2. ‘Chess, that’s hot,’ says Paris Hilton. Wait, no she doesn’t. But that doesn’t stop Sam Sloan from holding Sam’s Beauty Contest for FIDE Female Chess Players at http://www.samsloan.com/fidegirl.htm. ‘It was not only the women in the tournament who were beautiful,’ said Sloan. ‘Some of the men were beautiful, too. For example, there were Judit Polgar and Antoaneta Stefanova. I must admit they looked like women, but since they were playing in the Men’s World Chess Olympiad, I must be mistaken. You can never tell these days.’ The best news since Sir Alexander Fleming discovered penicillin and David Hasselhoff got drunk on YouTube: According to my research, Polgar and Stefanova are, in fact, women.
3. ‘It is a black art, and I, Haru, am the blackest of the black. Or rather the great white black art