Watch Out for Old Men in Nice Suits this Holiday Season

Christmas is the sight of snow, the smell of eggnog and the sound of Christina Aguilera singing ‘Xtina’s X-mas.’ Christmas is also the sight of an old man in a nice suit with a perfect 10, a.k.a. two five-year-olds in his lap. Here’s how else the holiday season sows peace on earth and goodwill toward man (and of course underage boys).

1. In the best Christmas joke since William Hung sang ‘Hung for the Holidays,’ a boy bought his true love a turtledove. However, this was no ordinary turtledove. When the boy held a candle under its right wing, it sang ‘Jingle Bells,’ and when he held a candle under its left wing, it sang ‘Oh, Christmas Tree.’ That night, his true love un-wrapped the turtledove and said, ‘I wonder what happens when I hold a candle between its legs.’ What was the result? The turtledove sang ‘Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire.’

2. Are you dreaming of a white Christmas in snowy climates? Don’t believe everything you see on the postcard. According to an anonymous intern, ‘In Minnesota, our high school mascot was the lumberjack, and our motto was ‘We’re okay.’ The women were handsome, the men were good-looking, and the kids were above average. But the moose had big racks.’ That’s when my parents purchased a timeshare in Mexico.

3. Shakespeare wrote, ‘Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?’ Shakespeare didn’t write, ‘Shall I compare thee to a man of snow? Not unless shiny orange is thy carrot. And I am betting young Sapphire would know if the size and the shape has such merit.’ It was not Shakespeare’s online ode to Sailor Moon’s nemeses Prince Dimandu and Lord Sapphiru, a.k.a. the Dark Moon Kingdom’s Ambiguously Gay and Definitely Related Duo, which proved that Shakespeare and snowmen ‘go together like peanut butter and ladies.’ (Thank you, ‘My Name is Earl.’)

4. In the 1970s, ‘General Motors had hives when they read [Ralph Nader’s] book [‘Unsafe at any Speed,’ which blasted General Motors for cutting corners on car safety],’ said Public Citizen President Joan Claybrook. So General Motors hired ‘private investigators’ to tail him and catch him in the act. That’s right, ‘The Act.’
‘They had sent a prostitute after him, also, at the cookie counter at the Safeway [grocery store], and he had turned her down,’ Claybrook says. ‘And so they thought, well, maybe he is a homosexual.’
Like, duh. Obviously, instead of freaking to Justin Timberlake, the few, the proud and the heterosexual opt for ‘bringing sexy back’ on top of the Naked Juice. Naturally, the police investigated the ‘investigators,’ General Motors compensated Nader and Nader created Public Citizen Auto Safety Group.
Fast-forward to 2007 when an eBay ad for a Nader ornament advertises the object as having a ‘3-INCH DIAMETER, MADE OF STURDY PORCELIN, UNUSUAL CHRISTMAS PRESENT.’ Suddenly, I crave carrots.

5. Apparently, presidential not-so-front-runner Mike Huckabee’s Iowa state director craves snake stew. In 2005, Huckabee made Governing Magazine’s Public Official of the Year. ‘Huckabee is a big believer in prevention,’ gushes Governing Magazine. ‘We have to shift to a healthy culture,’ he says. ‘We need to start killing snakes and stop treating snake bites.’
However, according to the Washington Post, ‘Even Huckabee appears to have been caught unprepared.