The Rabid Typist Answers Questions that No One Asked

‘When a man won’t listen to his conscience, it’s usually because he doesn’t want advice from a total stranger,’ said Lindsey Stewart. He wants advice from Ask Abby, Attorney at Law Ernest F. Duh, or me. And as your advisor, I advise you to ask the attorney.

Q: My roommate clogged my toilet. What do I do?
A: ‘When the plumbing gets tough, the tough get plumbing,’said Sir Salvador Drainado, alpha plumber on Super Mario Brothers. One copy of ‘Plumbing for Dummies:’ $31.07. One Advanced Plumbing Course: $778.09. One industrial-strength plunger: $37.15. Phoning a professional: priceless. For everything else, there’s landlord-tenant court.

Q: My friend failed her plumbing course, flunked her classes and killed her cat. How can I convince her to ‘don’t worry, be happy’?
A: Take out your fake moustache and tap into your inner Dr. Phil. When someone seeks a second opinion on a tremendously traumatic and profoundly personal issue, the good doctor channels the three ‘S’s’ of successful counseling: sensitivity, supportiveness and $$$ For example, if your friend reveals that she hates hybrid cars because a Citro