‘Positive thinking will let you do everything better than negative thinking,’ says motivational speaker Zig Ziglar. This includes stalking, sniping and stabbing motivational speakers with plastic spoons and particularly pointy inspirational DVDs.
However, if your target has a plastic knife, an ‘Employee of the Month’ mug from Guantanamo Bay or a black belt in Rex Kwan Do, then stash that shiv and snuggle up with the Rabid Typist’s secrets of the silver lining under a dark cloud, or nimbus cheneyus. (Hey, the Rabid Typist is a genius, not a weatherologist.)
1. Downside: ‘Meet the Spartans’ satirizes the movie ‘300,’ tap-dancing penguins and fried breast milk, but it doesn’t make the most of mocking its star, Kevin Sorbo.
Sorbo’s claims to ‘cult iconhood’ include ‘Hercules: The Legendary Journeys,’ ‘Andromeda’ and ‘Kull the Conqueror.’ Yet Sorbo’s only shot at himself is the threat of ‘going Hercules on your ass.’ Where’s his short, shaggy sidekick Iolas, who braves swords, spears and sexual harassment lawsuits to guard his rear? Where’s Xena? Finally, where’s the line, ‘I hate to break it to you, big guy, but you’ve got harpies’?
Upside: Sorbo struts his six-pack, acting chops and, again, his six-pack as a captain named Captain who dies and has a six-pack. His thespianity is second only to Britney Spears’s baby, which may or may not have been a puppet with a pair of drop-seat pajamas and six seconds of screen time.
Marlon Brando had ‘On the Waterfront’ and ‘The Godfather,’ Paul Newman had ‘Cool Hand Luke’ and ‘Slap Shot,’ and Bruce Campbell had ‘Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters’ and ‘Bubba Ho-tep.’ Move over, male leads