Gone Fishin’: In June 2007, a Milwaukee men’s room “lewd conduct” sting caught archconservative, anti-gay marriage U.S. Senator Larry Craig (R-ID) peeking into a toilet stall, which was occupied by an undercover police officer.
Then Craig entered the stall next to the officer, tapped his foot, tapped the officer’s foot and swiped his hand under the wall of the stall. According to the prosecution, this is “a signal used by persons wishing to engage in lewd conduct,” a.k.a. anonymous airport-stall sex.
Unsurprisingly, Craig’s “wide stance” (read: rank hypocrisy) on homosexuality cost him a fourth term as Idaho senator. But just when things started looking up for the unlucky home of the cutthroat trout, Idaho’s current candidate crop for Craig’s Senate seat got a whole lot fishier.
Case in point: One of the candidates has changed his legal name to “Pro-Life.” As Marvin Pro-Life Richardson, the organic-strawberry farmer’s middle name was banned from the ballot in 2006 because politicians are barred from bringing their slogans to the ballot.
Now that Pro-Life is his only name, the candidate formerly known as the artist formerly known as Richardson will have his revenge, CBS News reports. Pro-Life plans to place his name on the gubernatorial ballot every two years for the rest of his life, touting murder charges for the doctors who perform abortions and the women who hire them.
“I’m actually a step up for Idaho,” said dark horse candidate Flippy, a mutated cutthroat trout with two left feet and opposable thumbs.
Crack is Whack: Florida Senator Gary Siplin (D-Orlando) introduced a bill to ban “below-waist” underwear that exposes students’ “covered or uncovered sexual organs in a vulgar and indecent manner” at school.
According to Tampa Bay News, Siplin has suggested a similar bill for the past three years, but this year’s new-and-improved incarnation doesn’t call for jail time. The crusade against crack already cleared the education committee of both the State Senate and House.
However, not everyone is trippin’ over the impending lack of crack. Charlie Justice (D-St. Petersburg) told senators to study up on Senate Bill 302 because “none of us want to see a senator caught with his pants down on the floor.”
And Dave Aronberg (R-Greenacres) offered an amendment to exclude plumbing and refrigerator repair students. “I will be brief,” he said. “This only opens the door just a little crack.” Crack … bringing Democrats and Republicans together, one saggy Speedo at a time.