Superheroes and spandex are like Sonny and Cher, Bonnie and Clyde or peanut butter and ladies. But with Superman in suits, Spider-Man in emo and Batman in Robin, superheroes are skipping their skivvies oftener than Britney Spears is going ixnay on the antiespay.
Plus, Superman specializes in bald businessmen with bad toupees, which means that while he’s going Ivanka on Donald Trump, we’re getting cosmic ray-gunned by Omarosa. Luckily, the Rabid Typist stands for truth, stands for justice and stands for spandex. And no one fills out a pair of A-list shorts like a C+-list superhero or David Hasselhoff.
Superhero #1: The Rabbit Typist. “Face it, Will,” says Little John in “Robin Hood: Men in Tights.” “You gotta be a man to wear tights.” Not a man? Little John also has a spandex special for tech-savvy rabbits with opposable thumbs.
Unlike the Rabid Typist, the Rabbit Typist roams the seamy underbelly of Aldrich Park, cruising for carrots and painting the speed limits on the bicycle lanes, including 8 mph, light speed and ludicrous speed. After Senator Rabbit Typist’s secret sex scandal with the Easter Bunny, twelve Cadbury anteaters were sighted in the area. Spandex color: Leopard.
Superhero #2: Beverly Hills Superninja. “The blackness of my belt is like the inside of a coffin on a moonless night,” says Haru in “Beverly Hills Ninja.” “It is a black art, and I, Haru, am the blackest of the black. Or rather the Great White … black art … blackest … master.”
In “Jaws,” the great white killer shark may have been great, white and killer, but could he ad-lib a line like the Great White Ninja? I didn’t think so. When the shark goes swimming, he checks the water for the Beverly Hills Superninja.
And so does “Star Wars” director George Lucas. Seductive, the Dark Side of the free market is. Whenever Lucas Siths his shorts with a Star Wars Holiday Special, Forceghost Anakin action figure or Christmas Yoda snow globe, the Beverly Hills Superninja karate chops him. Spandex color: Great and white.
Superhero #3: Mr. Smith. Julio Wong-Smith is a riddle wrapped in a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a Rubio’s fish taco spawned by a secret cabal of Campuswide Honors Program students. Smith is the patron saint of perfect scores, Starbucks venti frappuccinos and spandex.
Two years ago, Smith’s Chemistry Core Course final said, “In conclusion, this exam makes no sense, so here’s a picture of a rabbit with a pancake on his head.” And one year ago, his final contained the answer, “An ionic toothbrush is an example of an ion in the human body.” That’s it, Mr. Smith. I’m cutting off your coffee. Spandex color: Blue and yellow.
Superhero #4: Grandma and Grandpa Typist. When the Easter Bunny’s out to lunch, who you gonna call? The Rabid Typist’s grandparents, of course. After a shopping trip gone wild with my mom, my grandpa went to an Easter party sporting a Che Guevara shirt. “Is that a jazz musician on your shirt?” the other grandmas and grandpas asked.
Meanwhile, my grandma told me a story. Once upon a time, in a country behind Russia and below Finland, my grandma had a student who headed the septic system for a Ukrainian city. He was also really old and really tall. He didn’t have a high-school diploma, but he needed a college degree, so he signed up for my grandma’s physics class.
He took a cheat sheet to exam day, but he was so tall that his knees stuck out over the desk, and so did his cheat sheet. Finally, my grandma took pity on him and said, “You know, it would be easier to cheat if you just put it on your desk.” He was so grateful that he gave my grandma a toilet. Like the Planeteers’ powers combine to make Captain Planet, my grandparents combine to make a very happy Easter! Spandex color: On second thought, there are times when the Rabid Typist stands against spandex. But only sometimes.