I Had an Abortion
When I found out I was pregnant, I was in an abusive relationship of two and a half years. At the time, my relationship with my boyfriend, “Matt” had been on and off for about a month. He strung me along, made me cry every night and used me for sex.
It had been about five weeks since my last period, but I didn’t think anything of it. I had many pregnancy scares in the past that only turned out to be a late period. But this morning was different. I woke up extremely nauseous and I knew something was wrong. Instinctively, I immediately called Matt. As usual, he ignored my calls. We only talked when he wanted to talk. When Matt finally called me back, I told him I was worried, but he shrugged it off. Nonchalantly, he told me it was probably not a big deal and that he would bring a pregnancy test the next day.
Matt showed up to my dorm laughing at me. He told me, “Eat up, you are eating for two now.” He went on my computer to look up baby names. I felt so upset, humiliated and alone. Wasn’t he supposed to support me rather than mock me? When I told him how I felt, he gave me an empty “sorry” and handed me the test.
I went into the dorm bathroom to pee on the First Response stick, but I wasn’t nervous because I was already sure of the results. However, when I actually saw the results, I ran into my room, threw it angrily at the wall and started crying. This wasn’t supposed to happen to me. It just wasn’t. I never wanted to have sex in the first place. I was never supposed to become a part of the teenage pregnancy statistics.
Matt held me and let me cry, and he instantly was my “boyfriend” again. I was grateful, but I hated him. I realized that I never wanted to have a child with him. I didn’t even want it inside of me. I hated it because it was the result of his abuse and it not only tied me to him, but it also made me dependent on him. I know he liked that. He loved controlling me.
I always knew that if I ever got pregnant I would get an abortion. I couldn’t sacrifice my life, my education and my family for something that I couldn’t take care of. My parents would literally put me on the streets and not only would my life be ruined, but the baby’s life would also be ruined. Realizing I didn’t want to be dependent on my controlling, abusive boyfriend only strengthened my decision.
I called Planned Parenthood and I waited on the phone for so long, it seemed like days went by. Finally, they gave me an appointment two weeks later. It was going to cost $375. Matt definitely did not have that kind of money, or so I thought. I was sure I was going to pay for it all myself. Matt assured me that he would get the money somehow, although he did not disclose exactly how he planned to do this. It was no big deal to me because he never told me much anyway.
For the next few days, the nausea, the lower abdominal pain, the fatigue and the weight gain were killing me. I couldn’t focus on my midterms and I couldn’t study. In addition, I was extremely emotional and grumpy all the time. I went to my doctor and paid about $60 for a blood test and medications for my nausea and pain. My doctor smiled when I told him my symptoms and he happily said, “Yup! Those are the signs! You are definitely pregnant … Nope! No cure for the fatigue or the mood swings, they just come with pregnancy!” His nurse congratulated me.
Later that week, Matt and I got in an argument. He threatened to leave me and said, “You can go through the pregnancy and abortion alone and come up with the money for it alone.” That was his way of winning the argument while showing his power over me. I screamed and I cried and I begged and finally he recanted what he said.
When the abortion day came, Matt drove me to the Planned Parenthood clinic, but he was not allowed to come inside. He only paid $200 and then left. I paid the rest. The clinic would call him when it was time to pick me up. In total, I waited for five or six hours. In between each hour, I was called inside to talk to a nurse, get my blood drawn, pee in a cup, get my blood pressure taken and then get put in another waiting room. The waiting rooms were filled with teenage girls, all talking about their stories and trying to control the TV.
There were no cell phones allowed, which made no difference to me since mine was dead. One girl had already had a baby two months before and was pregnant with another. Another girl hadn’t even told her boyfriend and planned on going through the pregnancy and abortion alone. We talked about our nausea and what food made us want to throw up. We talked about how we knew we were pregnant for the first time. Our stories were so different and at the same time so similar. I didn’t feel so alone anymore.
When I was called in, I was very nervous. The nurses told me that there was usually no pain and that within a day I should be back to normal. They said that I would not feel emotional and that I would bleed for only a couple of weeks. I should’ve known it sounded too good to be true. I actually had immense pain for a week, bled profusely for about a month and was over-emotional for weeks.
The nurses had me undress and told me to spread my legs. I was very uncomfortable, but before I knew it, I was awake again with my clothes on and it was over. Everything was very blurry and I could only remember a nurse telling me, “No tampons and no baths.” The nurse helped me up and walked me to Matt’s car. Matt saw me and ran to open my door.
I had been feeling okay, but when I saw Matt, for some reason I became extremely angry and emotional. I got into the car and was coming in and out of complete consciousness, when I started screaming, “MATT! WHERE ARE MY MEDICINES I NEED MY MEDICINES! WE NEED TO GO BACK, I NEED MY MEDICINES!” Matt responded with an incredibly bad attitude and I started crying. With tears furiously rolling down my cheeks, I said, “Matt, why? Why are you being mean to me? Why?” I was completely hysterical.
When I started to regain feeling in my cervical area, I felt immeasurable pain. The pain was like nothing I had felt before. All I could do was lie on Matt’s bed without moving while making little moans of pain. It was horrible. I couldn’t get up, I couldn’t walk and I was bleeding profusely. In addition to this, I was extremely grumpy. A few hours later, Matt decided I was just too much and called me a “bitch.” This was normal to me because he called me this often, but this time I responded by calling him “insensitive.”
He grabbed my bottle of antibiotics and said, “If I was insensitive, I would throw these down the toilet right now.” I cried and said, “No! Matt please, I need those medicines, please!” Matt wrestled with me, but I had no strength whatsoever. He held me down on the bed by the arms and I cried and begged him to stop. Then he grabbed an Ethernet cord, told me he was going to commit suicide and left the house. In pain, I ran after his car, but he did not stop. I was so scared, I called the police. He came back safely but due to the embarrassment of his arrest, his family told me never to come back there again. Matt broke up with me, and I cried all night, but I decided that sooner or later I was going to have to accept it and deal with everything on my own.
As soon as Matt was aware that I changed my Facebook status to “single,” he called me. He said, “I don’t want to be with you, but I don’t want you to be single.” I got back together with him a week later, but that same weekend his mother found a paper that said somebody had an abortion. She was a strict Catholic, so she was surely going to call my mother to yell at her and find out the truth.
In my car, I asked Matt to lie and say that it wasn’t me who had an abortion, but another one of his friends. He refused to do so. He got angry and suddenly grabbed my hand and threw it hard against the dashboard. When I started crying, he apologized and agreed to lie to his mother. However, as soon as he got home, he broke up with me once again and told me he was going to tell his mother the truth. I started crying in lecture and had to leave, with the assurance that my friend would give me her notes.
As soon as I left, my mother called. I knew she had talked to Matt’s mom. I was so emotional at the time that I cried and confessed everything to her. She told me she was so sorry and she would do everything in her power to take care of me. She told me to come home because I needed my family’s support and although I didn’t want to go home, I agreed. What a bad decision.
When I got home that weekend, the first thing my mom did was threaten to take everything away: my money, my car, my phone and my tuition. I was so angry and emotional that I walked out and slammed the door. However, my mother came running after me. She called my father and they both were screaming at me. He blocked my car in the driveway with his car. I stubbornly went outside, very carefully drove back and forth hitting the bushes and the car behind me just enough not to cause any damage, drove over the lawn and the curb and left. When I tried to call Matt, however, my phone was disconnected. Stupid me: I went back home.
When I went back, my father was very angry. I don’t remember what exactly happened, but I know that it ended up with my father sitting on top of me and beating me, while my brother called the cops and my mother watched. My father is actually very abusive, although the abuse has calmed down in recent years. I was lying on the floor hysterically crying, and my mother told me that I was over-exaggerating.
Two female cops came and basically took my side against my parents. One officer had an abortion at my age and the other had a teenage mother. It felt so good to have somebody who understood me. I cried all night because my parents just did not understand and would not budge. My father was rude the entire time, insulting the cops and acting very irrationally. He very immaturely hid all the keys so that nobody would be able to take me back to Irvine, and complained to the cops that my brother was harassing him. However, somehow my mother felt bad, got my brother’s keys and took me back to Irvine.
That weekend completely broke me down emotionally. Dealing with pregnancy, weight gain, pain, insecurity, an abusive boyfriend and an abortion was bad enough. When my parents turned on me, I felt like I had no one. Nobody’s father should beat his daughter like that. When my family called to support me, I believed them. Instead, I was beaten and had all my things taken away. The emotional trauma I suffered from everything left me so vulnerable, I went back to Matt and begged him to stay with me that weekend. There was no way I could be alone. I had never suffered in my life the way I did those few weeks and I can never really explain it to anyone. It was like a horrible nightmare that nobody should ever have to go through.
After a few weeks, a lot of truth began seeping out from my relationship with Matt. I found out he had been deceiving me our entire relationship. He lied about a lot and he cheated on me for most of our two-and-a-half-year relationship. I came to the conclusion that he was an abusive, lying, cheating, deceiving jerk that took advantage of me for a long time and it was very hard and painful for me, but I broke it off with him. I was so hurt. I could not believe that I had gone through that abortion with Matt. I felt like it was part of his abuse and a result of his deception.
After two months, I am still recovering emotionally from everything. I don’t feel guilty at all anymore, but the abortion made me very insecure, nervous and stressed out for a long time. I also gained a lot of weight and I feel extremely needy. I’m so worried about people finding out about all this. What would people think of me if they knew? How would it affect my future relationships? I know my relationship with my family will not be the same for a while because I can’t forgive them. And although my relationship with Matt is over, my emotional vulnerability is making it harder to stay away from him and I continue to be abused by him. My life is completely out of order and I am struggling to put all the pieces back together.
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