Drawn and Quoted
Douchebag of the Week: “So the question is, do states have the right to secede anymore? Because it was a compact … In fact, in the Declaration of Independence it says it is our right, it is our responsibility to get away from a government who doesn’t listen to us any more,” said Glenn Beck, a conservative radio show host, as a solution to how states should react to recent Wall Street bailouts. To answer Beck’s question, yes, states do still have the right to secede. Yet, it makes about as much sense as state officials challenging Freddie Mac representatives to duels or ordering that Fannie Mae members be tarred and feathered or whatever other outdated strategy that Beck’s mind could foster. Not surprisingly, Beck will soon work at Fox News.
Bluntness in Politics Award: “They’re hobbling around and constantly going to the doctor,” said Japanese Prime Minister Taro Aso, complaining about the burden that the country’s elderly place on its economy. Meeting with a group of ministers, Aso went on to remark that the elderly should be punished if they fail to exercise: “I am paying taxes. Why should I pay money for those who lazily drink and eat and do nothing?” Worse yet, the Liberal Democratic Party to which Aso belongs has recently come under fire for government corruption. Still, judging by these statements, the man has no trouble being honest.
Astronauts Drink More than Tang in Space: “Not to spoil anything, but I think up here the appropriate words are ‘yippee’,” said space station commander Mike Fincke after fixing water purification equipment that turns urine into drinking water. The repair took five days and cost over $150 million dollars. It will allow the space station project to increase the ship’s crew from three people to six. Of course, once informed of this, Mission Control responded with the appropriate line, “There will be dancing later.” Yes, your tax dollars at work.
I’m a Pepper, You’re Not: “In what could only be characterized as reckless indifference or complete stupidity, Dr. Pepper was completely unprepared for the traffic to its site. Many walked away angry as Dr. Pepper … soured the momentous music event that was ‘Chinese Democracy’s’ release,” wrote Alan S. Glutman, a lawyer working for Guns N’ Roses in an attempt to squeeze any cash out of the Dr. Pepper Snapple Group that he can. The situation dates back to March 26, when the soft drink mega-power offered a free can of Dr. Pepper to everyone in America – except ex-Guns N’ Roses members Slash and Buckethead – if the band released its long awaited album, “Chinese Democracy,” in 2008. Fortunately, the band did and Dr. Pepper attempted to keep its word. Unfortunately, Glutman’s letter assures that this tired and beaten Dr. Pepper promotional stunt will continue to drag out — though hopefully not as long as the recording of the album.