Facebookers: Stop Updating Your Facebook!

It’s hard to complain about Facebook when you’re a Facebook user. Eventually, you’re going to complain about something that you do and you’re going to look like a complete hypocrite. But I don’t care. People need to know when they are acting like complete idiots on Facebook.

About your stupid statuses — listen: I’m happy that you’re going out tonight. I think it’s swell that you’re going out to a club with your girls and that it’s going to be a doozy of a time. That’s pretty rad. But hey, seriously, don’t update your status while you’re in line for a club. Or if you’re in line for a show, or if you’re at Denny’s and your friend is boring you. I don’t care that the bouncer let you into the club. I don’t care what the couple at the table across from you is arguing about unless it’s hilarious. And I do not care that you’re home alone on a Saturday and “lol” what a sad life it is that you lead. I’m all for celebrating life’s little victories, but please, these boring bits of your life, keep to yourself, because they’re just that: boring.

Most importantly, I DO NOT CARE IF YOU ARE DRUNK. If you post anything on your Facebook status, or your profile in general about how drunk you are at the time, then you are a tool. No, but you’re not? Oh yes, but you are.

And your stupid pictures; if you have a photo album and the majority of the pictures are of yourself, then you’re probably a huge narcissist and you have more important issues to worry about than how much time you spend on Facebook. I don’t need to see how scandalous you are all the time. If you like taking your shirt off in the middle of the night when it is freezing outside and posing for a picture when there is absolutely nothing of interest around you, then I find you pretty unimpressive. If you have a bunch of pictures from a party and there are 20 consecutive pictures of THE SAME DAMN BEER PONG GAME then I probably don’t like you much. Also, if you go to a concert, take pictures of the band. How discernible do you think it is that you are at an awesome show when you take a picture of yourself around a crowd of random people? You could be at American Idol for all I care.

Your stupid quizzes. Hey, guy. What badass thing are you? Oh, you’re a crazy toaster? Oh, man look at all these curse words being used to describe you in caps as if the dude is screaming at you because you’re “too cool.” I’m also screaming because of how embarrassed I am of you. Facebook quizzes are terrible and inform you of nothing you didn’t already know. When you find out you are a certain character from a movie because you answered every answer that quoted that same character, then you didn’t need that quiz to tell you anything. And why would someone want Facebook to tell them what their favorite sex position is? Do you need people to know that badly?

Your stupid events or groups. Facebook can be a good source of publicity, either for a party or a cool event. But there are helpful notifications and there are shame less plugs. Inviting me when to your frat party in San Francisco confuses me because I haven’t seen you since high school and I likely won’t see you again for the rest of my life. Hell, inviting me to any event or group that I have no interest in whatsoever is irritating in general. Don’t spam your events or groups that people don’t care about. It’s nothing against you because you are still a cool person; it’s just that these suck. I will never go to them. Offering them to me with machine-like precision won’t change my mind. I’d much rather just catch up with you than waste my time at a foam party surrounded by people I don’t care about.

So, try and keep in mind that while your inside jokes might seem funny to you, the rest of us are baffled. Confusion isn’t funny — it’s annoying. For a moment, you are also annoying. I don’t think you want these moments to be regular occurrences, because I like you, and I don’t want to hate you. So use Facebook to keep in touch with homies rather than indulge in pointless vanity.  Or you can delete it. It’d probably save me loads of time, and complaints.
Also, post more funny videos. I like those.