Campus Dating

Dear Sandy,

I have a mad crush on a guy who was in one of my classes. He’s everything I want in someone because he’s funny, he’s got a great personality, and he has got a booty! I’m a booty kind a guy and trust me, this guy’s bootylicious. So we talk and we’ve gone out for a couple drinks and we’ve kissed and he’s great and we’ll flirt and we’ll have lunch dates and so on and so forth.

BUT! He’s got an ex. He’s got some unresolved issues that he apparently wants to deal with. If I ever ask for a date outside of school (or not lunch) he’s always busy with work so I ask him when he’s free so that we could for sure finalize something. THAT STILL DOESN’T WORK! He turns vague and elusive, ignoring questions. I’ll text and ask how he’s doing but he usually just answers – He used to ask what I was up to but now it’s kind of one-sided.

I feel like I’m being played but at the same time I don’t. I mean I get the compliments, and I get sweet texts. He is a sweet guy. I just feel like, if you’re hanging out with your ex and ignoring my date suggestions I should just get over it but I can’t. I mean he’s really everything I’ve ever wanted to find. He’s flirty and funny and open and good looking.

How do I stand up against his ex? How do I make him see that I’m a possibility? Should I keep talking to him? I think we could have some mad fun together but I just don’t know if he wants to see it just yet…

-Mad Crush

Dear MC,

You certainly do have a Grade A crush on your hands – there’s no doubt about that. It sounds to me like you already know what my answer is going to be, but I’ll go ahead and spell it out anyway.

Whether this guy is bootylicious or not, he isn’t making any moves in your direction. If he were interested in going further with you, he would let you know by taking you up on your offers of hanging outside of campus.

As of now, it’s a relationship of convenience. If he happens to be on campus, he’ll grab lunch with you. If you happen to text him, he’ll text back. And worst of all, if he needs some attention, he’ll use you.

Right now, that need for you is fluctuating – it’s inversely proportional to the amount of time he spends with his ex. If his ex is giving him more attention than s/he did before, you’ll get less of those flirty text messages aimed at getting some feel-good feedback from you. If the ex’s attention starts to wane, he’ll be trying for more.

The important thing to realize is that it’s not dependent on you. This guy is getting attention from you when he feels like it, but when he doesn’t, you’re left in the dust. It’s entirely selfish as your needs are not even made a part of the equation.

Work on distancing yourself from him by spending time with other friends. When his ex spends less time with him at some point in the future and he starts sending you sexy texts again, know that YOU are in control of this situation. He thinks it’s a given that you’ll give him that attention when he wants it so, quite simply, don’t do it.

Sandy

Dear Sandy,

My boyfriend has been bugging me about going on birth control so he can stop wearing condoms when we have sex. He says that every time he puts a condom on it turns him off. I’ve been thinking about doing it, but I just can’t get past the fact that I’m putting chemicals in my body and risking weight gain and emotional roller coasters. We’ve been trying to have sex until we absolutely have to put the condom on but that just feels unsafe.

We’ve been arguing a lot about this – He can’t understand why I won’t do it and I can’t understand why he doesn’t see it. Shouldn’t my body come before his sexual comfort level?

-Ready to be a Trojan Girl

Dear TG,

The bottom line is that him not getting off is not just his deal – it’s something that you two can fix together. Let your boyfriend know how much it would mean to you to try to make it work using condoms. There are several different types of super thin condoms from every brand from Trojan to Durex which will help improve sensitivity during sex.

If he’s alone, let him know he should practice by masturbating with a condom on. It sounds silly but, it’ll work! Getting used to it will ensure that he’s still feeling it when it gets to the real thing. When you’re there, you can do your part in helping him get used to condoms by spicing things up. Pick up flavored condoms from Condom Revolution in Costa Mesa (or cheaper with less variety at drug stores and Target) and make condoms cool by offering him oral sex if he wears a flavored one.

In the way of birth control, it sounds like you two are completely missing each other. You’re going to have to spell out your concerns to him calmly. Yes, he should be concerned about the way birth control has the potential to affect your body but it’s your job to make those concerns known. For some women, the effects of oral contraceptives can certainly include decreased sex-drive, mood-swings and weight gain, though many women do not feel any side effects at all.

If you’re considering it and are concerned about the way oral contraceptives could affect your body, you should speak with your doctor about which type of birth control is right for you. Many women suffering side effects can find a type of oral contraceptive with a different dosage of hormones that suits their body. Some women feel that birth control affects them positively by actually balancing hormones and improving their skin.

Oral contraceptives are not the only form of non-barrier birth control, though. There are also injections like Depo-Provera, a patch like Ortho Evra, a vaginal ring like Nuva Ring, and an Intrauterine Device (IUD). Again, talk to your doctor about which method would work best for you and your lifestyle.

For now, make sure you’re getting in as many condom test drives as you can!

-Sandy

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