Restrooms – The Best and Worst of UCI

Crappy times lie ahead for UC Irvine and its student population. H1N1 is running rampant through campus like a pig in shit, parking is about as convenient as finding a non-Asian person on campus and the only way to get laid is to let the UC Regents screw you with a 32 percent fee increase.

But fear not, there is a golden lining to this cloud because golden showers await those willing to look for it. Bathroom availability is at an all-time high on campus and with over 350+ bathrooms to choose from, you should treat yourself to the nicest porcelain thrones the campus has to offer. If you’re going to flush your tuition down the toilet, it may as well be one fine stool. To judge what’s best, and what’s unspeakably ghastly, I present you with a rating system to ensure that your bathroom experience doesn’t stink:

“Olfactory Factor.” The higher the rating, the more the bathroom smells like baked cinnamon apple pie and warm vanilla.
1. “Poop Traffic.” You’re looking for maximum ratings for minimal disruptions.
2. “Sizable Matters.” I rank the optimal space for a cozy bathroom.
3. “Genial Hygiene.” The higher the ranking, the closer it is to Godliness.

Student Center:

First on our list is the Student Center bathroom located on either side of the concrete stage. The “Poop Traffic” is quite high, but the maintenance crew rarely ever lets its “Genial Hygiene” drop below acceptable levels. The “L” shaped layout and oversized floor space can induce murderous paranoia late at night, but warm lighting and high poop traffic means you’re usually just a fart away from the next closest person. Unfortunately, the “Olfactory Factor” ranks low because of high usage of non-flushing urinals. The build-up of evacuated human waste within these environmentally wary urinals literally turn the urinals and your face green with sick. Rating: 3/5
Olfactory Factor: 1/5
Poop Traffic: 2/5
Sizable Matters: 3/5
Genial Hygiene: 4.5/5

Humanities Hall

This bathroom is located in the Humanities Hall behind the stairwell and should be avoided like diuretic spicy food before a date. This bathroom, according to campus data, uses the most toilet paper. So either the Humanities Hall environment makes students feel the need to bullshit more than just their papers or there are lots of students that use this bathroom. The two-stall, two-urinal claustrophobic germ-fest that is this bathroom is not only small and crowded, but also always seems damp, as if water leaks out of the walls (at least I hope it’s water). There is no strong smell, but the dampness makes you wonder if you might be better off urinating on the floor rather than the toilet. Rating: 1.5/5
Olfactory Factor: 4/5
Poop Traffic: 1/5
Sizable Matters: 1/5
Genial Hygiene: 0.5/5

The Finest of All:

Humanities Gateway

Tucked away in the new Humanities Gateway building is a cozy two urinal, three stall and two sink granite counter-top bathroom. The bathroom has very low poop traffic because it’s in a new building and its entrance is not readily visible from ring road. However, it’s still within distance of all major walkways, so you’re never far from the safety of numbers. The concrete walls are odor-repellent and all you’ll smell is the sweet scent of humanity. The compartmental layout means toilets are on the left and urinals on the right. Take note of the lovely warm tiling on the walls behind the granite sink top with automatic Kohler faucets.

This is a space where you can be alone with your thoughts but accompanied by all the comfort of your home bathroom. Even the toilet paper seems softer. Go ahead, bring in a magazine or newspaper. Bring in that essay you’ve been working on, because in this bathroom, you will discover genius. So if you’re walking around campus, and you’re suddenly struck by a sudden need to relieve yourself, the Humanities Gateway is just a quick sprint away. Rating: 6/5
Olfactory Factor: 6/5
Poop Traffic: 5/5
Sizable Matters: 7/5
Genial Hygiene: 5.5/5

Engineering Lecture Hall

The ELH is a notable stand-alone building that is built into the hillside of the ICS clusters, tastefully covered in ivy trellises and home to a real poop-infested bathroom. This bathroom is probably the best excuse professors have to keep students inside the lecture hall. While the bathroom isn’t very dirty or sized for hobbits, the smell can be debilitating. However, the worst part about this bathroom is the pee-halting buzzing noise that seemingly emanates from the depths of bathroom hell. Avoid this bathroom – you’d rather shit your pants.
Olfactory Factor: 1/5
Poop Traffic: 2/5
Sizable Matters: 4/5
Genial Hygiene: 4/5
Crappy Acoustics: -3/5

Physical Sciences Classroom Building

A diamond in the shit of bathrooms on campus. The PCSB bathroom works wonders with very little. This small bathroom is nicely compartmentalized to give you a clean and comfortable pooping experience. An oversized mirror works to open up the cramped space and mosaic ocean-blue tiles tie the bathroom together. PCSB is best avoided between classes but this bathroom is the equivalent of a cozy nook in a quaint cottage.
Olfactory Factor: 4/5
Poop Traffic: 3/5
Sizable Matters: 3/5
Genial Hygiene: 5/5

Next time you’re thinking about all your problems, just remember that there’s a bathroom on campus that’s got your back—no, that’s got your ass covered (Note: Only men’s bathrooms reviewed because girls don’t poop).