UCI students are varied and unique, but there are some experiences we can’t all help but share. Usually I’d give you a how-to on standing out and being the best at whatever you’re doing, but this week, I’m going to tell you how to be totally and completely ordinary. Get ready to fit in, you distinctive gem!
Step 1: Look the part
Girls, wear your Ugg boots and leggings combo rain or shine. Uggs are for cold, and leggings are for warm, so you’ve got the perfect outfit every day. It’s so logical, trust me. If you’re something like an English major, add a colorful scarf and oversized purse. For all you computer science students, just wear a big, black backpack.
Guys, wear a hoodie and ill-fitting jeans. They will either be too baggy, if you’re going for the laid back clueless look, or too tight, if you think of yourself as some sort of hipster.
Step 2: Get reliable transportation
In Irvine, you need a car. It feels like 20 miles between everything if you try to walk anywhere. The second part of step 2 is to get a ticket. Get a ticket for going 46 mph in a 45 mph limit zone. If you don’t have a car, it’s OK! There are many other ways to get a ticket: ride your skateboard on the sidewalk, your bike on Ring Road or walk around after the sun sets. A cop will find a way to write that citation.
Step 3: Write a paper hours before it’s due
And not as in 150 hours before it’s due, but like five hours before it’s due. Make sure it’s a ten to 20-page paper for the best experience (the panic you feel is an awesome natural high). Regularly post the status of your progress on Facebook. “GAH I HAVEN’T STARTED MY PAPER YET!” “OMG this paper is SO HARD! Blahhhhhhhhhhh,” “2 more pages to go!!,” “So tired, up all night writing stupid paper!” Because nothing ever happens unless there is evidence of it on Facebook.
Step 4: Find a cool hang out
But before you go to said hang out, complain that there’s never anything to do in Irvine. End up some place as a last resort, that is secretly your go-to place whenever you’re hanging out. Go to a friend’s apartment, someone who has Xbox or PlayStation. Go to Irvine Spectrum. Go to Disneyland. Go watch a movie you don’t really want to see. Or, if you’re Asian and/or have Asian friends, go to Diamond Jamboree and eat at Guppy’s. Again. Wait anxiously for summer when the place you end up is at least some place like the beach.
Step 5: Go to class, some of the time
On the days you do end up going to lecture, sit in the back with your friends, or somewhere in the middle by yourself, with empty seats on both sides. If you get there early, sit at the end of the rows because it’s easiest for you to get to. That’s what’s important.
DO NOT be considerate and sit in the middle, or else those late people are never going to learn! They’re just going to keep coming late if you don’t make them climb over you to get one of the last seats left!
Also, participate minimally if you’re in a class where the teacher cares enough about class participation. You don’t want to seem like too much of an over-achiever or anything. That’d be so embarrassing. Bonus tip: coming unprepared (i.e. not finishing the reading) minimizes any urges to raise your hand.
Step 6: Find a kickback or party
After a long week of not going to class and eating too much Student Center food, a kid needs a break! Let loose and find some place to consume large amounts of alcohol. Fraternity and sorority events are always a good find. Smaller parties at apartments can be fun, as long as there’s some beer pong. But be safe and find a reliable designated driver! Because, again, it’s not like you can walk anywhere in Irvine. Take turns with your friends, or know social people who don’t really drink, who you can invite along and trick them into driving you.
Remember, you’re only in college once, so make it memorable!