Off-Limit Lovers

Dear Sandy,

My friend broke up with her (very longtime) boyfriend about two months ago – let’s call him Jake. Over the four years while she was going out with Jake, our group of girls became pretty good friends with his group of guys, so it’s been pretty much impossible to not hang out with them. Ever since they broke up, I’ve been having feelings for Jake and I’m pretty positive he has feelings for me, too. I’ve been fighting it off, but I feel like it’s been long enough now to do something about it. I care a lot about my friend, but if I really like him, is it so wrong to just go for it?

-Too Much Love

Dear Too Much,

Before you do anything, you need to take a step back and look at how the people around you are feeling and see what your role should be, rather than just looking at what you might want from the situation.

First off, your friend recently broke up with her boyfriend (yes, 2 months is pretty recent for a four-year-long relationship). Your role here is to be there to support her through this. She needs you, and the rest of her friends to be there for her.

Second, this relationship was a long one. Seriously just take a second to think about how long four years is to a person in their 20s. What this means is that both people, meaning your friend AND Jake, will still be struggling to get over it. While you might think you’re absolutely certain about how Jake feels about you, two months after four years is rebound territory no matter how you swing it.

You not only have the potential to seriously strain your relationship with your friend, but you are pretty much guaranteed to get hurt yourself.

I’m definitely not saying that you can absolutely never date your friend’s ex-boyfriend. All I’m saying is that you need to give this some time since 1) you never want to be the rebound, and 2) you want to preserve your relationship with your friend.

Just cool it for a while, focus on other things until you’ve helped your friend onto the moving-on track. If you still have feelings for him in the next few months, get back to me.

-Sandy

Hey Sandy,

I’ve known my best friend literally all my life. When we were little, we were neighbors and walked to elementary school together. We stayed friends through middle school and high school, worked together and even went to UCI together.

We’ve been best friends so long that I feel like his family is my own and he feels the same. The only issue is that I’ve been seriously interested in his younger sister for several years now – I started liking her my senior year of high school when she was a sophomore and I know that she feels the same. My friend is kind of intense when it comes to his sister’s boyfriends so I’ve been shoving it aside this whole time but now I’m a third year here at UCI and I can’t help thinking that it’s too much of a coincidence that she came here, too (she’s a freshman). I end up seeing her at parties now and I don’t know how much longer I can hold off. What should I do?

-Unda Cova Lova

Dear Unda Cova Lova,

My question to you would be what is the actual problem?

It doesn’t sound like you’ve actually seen whether or not your friend is averse to you dating his sister just yet. It’s entirely possible that he might be just fine with it.

If he’s hinted that he might not be too happy about it and you’re worried about what he’s going to say, you should definitely talk to him about it.

While it might seem a little unreasonable to draw a line between you and his sister, make an effort to take into account what he’s thinking. This is his little sister and, for the majority of his life, he’s been filling the role of her unofficial “protector.” Often, her potential boyfriends will come off as a threat and he’ll treat them as such. When that “threat” is his best friend, the situation will become confusing and frustrating for him.

Let him know where you’re coming from. Tell him that you’re taking this potential relationship seriously. You really like his sister, but you want to make sure you are able to preserve the quality of your friendship before you get into it.

Just so you know, it is reasonable for him to take a bit of time to get used to the issue, but it is NOT reasonable for him to forbid you from dating his sister. So long as you are respectful and treat his sister well, you are doing nothing wrong here.

-Sandy

Sandy,

I have been contracting a lot of urinary tract infections (UTIs) over the past few months It’s annoying because they’re obviously really uncomfortable, time consuming because I have to go to the doctor and just kind of gross all around. I’m thinking about giving up sex altogether for awhile just because it’s such a pain, but are there any sex positions that I should avoid if I don’t want to get a UTI? Or any positions that are better?

– Ugh, Totally Irritating

Dear UTI,

UTIs are caused by bacteria entering the urethra which can come from just about anything — not just sex — so don’t hop on the abstinence wagon just yet.

The best preventative measure to take during sex is to avoid switching between anal and vaginal intercourse. Avoiding positions that put pressure on your urethra and bladder can help as well, but you don’t need to restrict yourself from these positions all the time.

After sex, make it a general rule to go to the restroom. Peeing after sex helps to flush out any bacteria that may have built up during sex.

This can work for you outside the bedroom as well if you’ve become familiar with the signs of a potential UTI. You can sometimes catch it before it becomes necessary to actually treat it by drinking plenty of fluids to flush out your system — avoiding the doctor’s office altogether!

Other frequent causes of a UTI can range from anything from bike-riding to wearing thong underwear. Basically any activity that causes a rubbing against the urethra can result in a UTI so take extra precautions in those cases.

While UTIs are pretty common in generally, if you’re getting them as often as you say, you’ll want to have a chat with your doctor to look at what’s making you so susceptible to UTIs.

-Sandy