Let’s face it, singles: Feb. 14 is just not our day. It belongs to those couples, those happy pairs who can split a Twix, share a double-scoop ice cream, and fill a loveseat to its round, cushiony brims. But before calling up that token weird guy (because we all know he won’t be busy) in a serious lapse of judgment, I tell you to fret not, my lone doves.
There is nothing to say that we can’t survive Valentine’s Day on our own.
There is no reason for you to stay home if you’re itching to get out on the town. Just remember, when you’re celebrating as a party of one, stick to the Hallmark essentials: the holiday revolves around love, roses, and above all, chocolate. Go cacao-crazy and take as much as you need to fill the romantic void in your life! The giant food at Claim Jumper will fill any hunger and the Chocolate Motherlode Cake may have actually been designed as a sedative to dull those pains of loneliness. Order a piece for your personal consumption. This little slice of decadence is often better shared, as it is a six-layer chocolate fudge cake, but you know what? It tastes better when you don’t have some moron cutting it down the middle, telling you to “stay on your side.”
Of course, not everyone has the stomach to scarf down 3,120 calories worth of cake in a restaurant full of stares. For the more gentile type, the dessert is available to you in the frozen foods aisle at your local supermarket. You can eat the whole thing in the non-judgmental setting of your own home. Hell, you could even use a ladle. And for those of use who live less dangerously and prefer to maintain the room in their thighs and wallet, there are a number of ways for you to get a cheaper chocolate fix. You could treat yourself instead to a chocolate sampler at See’s. Round out your evening by ordering a bottle of Vino at your favorite restaurant, toasting yourself and all around you in celebration of love. Try to limit yourself to a few glasses of wine. It would be best to refrain from making any more toasts past this point. But as intensely fun as that all sounds, don’t feel pressured to go out for a good time. A quiet night in your own company is just as nice, and can give you the time you need to unwind and recover from a hard day. If you’ve spent another couple of hours in lecture stretching your neck past anatomical sensibility trying to get a look at that new chick diggin’ on your ex, take some you-time and indulge in a slow, sensuous neck and shoulder rub.
Break out the massage oils to give your aches the tender love they crave. It could even be a back rub if your arms can reach that far. Stretch your relaxed limbs out on your couch with some popcorn or fist-sized Harry and David truffles to watch your favorite romantic comedy. Don’t be bothered by the fact that Drew Barrymore always gets her man, no matter how unusual the circumstances. But no one will judge you if you do, or if you eat an entire box of chocolate in your righteous anger. Top off the end to a perfect night alone with a hot bubble bath. Because you love and appreciate yourself, leave a few long-stems on your pillow as your bath runs and trail your own path of rose petals. It will totally not be weird.
See, Valentine’s Day can still make sense if you’re single! Follow my lead and reclaim your right to be loved, by yourself if no one else.