Campus Dating

Dear Sandy,

I have not dated or had sex with any guys since I broke up with my boyfriend over two years ago. I have had opportunities but can never seem to go through with it. It’s not that I don’t want to do it – it’s just that every time I get close I think about my ex on top of me. So basically, I am afraid that all sex will feel like sex with my ex: boring and pointless.  Should I start hooking up with hotties who try to bed me so that I can feel what real chemistry feels like, or should I just continue on my path to purity and realize that sex is just not my thing?

Abstinent Abby

Dear AA,

It’s important to realize that sex is what you make it. It’s you and whoever you’re with working together and communicating for a successful session. If it’s not working, it’s just as much your fault as it is your partner’s fault.

While that might sound a little harsh, you should realize that it also means you’re in control and have the power to change it. Bad sex happens when people refuse to communicate with each other. Your partner will have no idea what you want if you don’t tell him. You’ll also never know what he wants if he doesn’t tell you, so ASK.

The best part is that everyone is different. So, sure, if you’re stuck in a sexual rut with anyone it’ll probably bear some resemblance to the rut you had with your ex. But if you’re listening and communicating, you’ll realize that his desires are probably much different from your ex’s.

That said, you should be sleeping with people that you are attracted to and interested in, not just anyone who throws himself at you. You shouldn’t be afraid to have sex again, but make sure to take the time to get comfortable with the person before sleeping with them.

Sandy

Dear Sandy,

My boyfriend is a big-time boob guy. He loves me and he loves what I’ve got, but mine are actually pretty small in comparison to most girls. Recently, he’s been talking about [breast sex] a lot and I really want to be able to have him do it. Is there any way I can make it work for him?

Bored of our breasts

Dear Boob,

Hate to break it to you, but some boobs just aren’t “breast sex” material (sorry, girl, the phrase you used will just have to remain in Urban Dictionary). It really depends on how small we’re talking, though, if you still want to give it a go. Some girls can push together a B cup, but I’d say you pretty much need a C to be successful here.

One way you can successfully work this into your routine is by starting with a more reliable method of intercourse. When he’s close to climax, switch it up. If you guys have some trouble, help him out by using your hands.

In reality, sex acts like this are novelties. You’ll be stoked to say you did it, but they’re generally difficult and fairly uncomfortable, not to mention it’s only getting one of you off.

Sandy

Dear Sandy,

Upon reviewing my life and past relationships, I realized that I have not been completely single since I was 13 years old.  That is nine (almost ten) long years of always having someone. After realizing that, I decided that I needed to learn how to be single because I’ve spent most of my life molding into the person that the people I was dating wanted me to be.

I felt really empowered at first and excited about the prospect, but, per usual, it’s only been three weeks and I’m already longing for another relationship.  It’s not that there’s someone that I’m dying to be with – I just want the attention.  I want to always have someone there when I want them to be. How do I get rid of this feeling of neediness and allow myself time to figure out who I am – independent of everyone else?

Chronic Dater

Dear Chronic,

Believe it or not, a lot of daters find themselves in your position, so you’re not alone.

Start off by making a list of things that you’re interested in independently. This can be anything from life-goals to simple hobbies. From these, figure out at least one concrete plan or project that you can hang on to. This can be writing, applying to graduate school, taking a class or doing an internship.

The point here is to develop personal and independent interests. Focusing on yourself and making your life about your goals rather than someone else’s will help you gain autonomy.

In addition to having a changed focus, you’ll have a project to keep yourself busy. This will help you to distract yourself from delving into the feelings of loneliness that may have pushed you to pursue this string of relationships.

This won’t be an instant change – it’s going to be a real process and you have to be able to commit to that for your own self improvement. The physical list of interests that you’ve developed on your own will help in times of weakness. Return to it when you’re feeling down as a constant reminder that you’re doing this for yourself.

While you want to be independent, it’s healthy to rely on other people for support. Don’t be afraid to lean on your friends in your times of need, but, since your goal is autonomy, make sure to keep either a mental record or some sort of journal of your progress toward self-sufficiency.

Sandy

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