The torch is lit, the world is watching, the time has come and the Games are back. Spectators from around the world eagerly anticipate the thrills of jingoistic fervor as finely tuned athletes compete on the allegorical battlefield of world war. I’m writing, of course, about the Boo-lympic Games, or the well-respected competition that captures the eloquent spirit of shouting very loudly.
On February 8, 2010, the Games kicked off with the graceful shrieking of 11 students at UC Irvine when the Israeli Ambassador to the United States, Michael Oren, was speaking. Their performance was truly exceptional. One by one, each competitor stood up over the span of 30 minutes while Ambassador Oren was orating and shouted, “Propagating murder is not free speech!” and “How many Palestinians did you kill?” Such grace and beauty! The Irvine Eleven’s direct, simple and organized style will surely inspire a generation of young Boo-lympic athletes to shout with vigor at invited guests. Needless to say, they walked away with the silverware proudly and tightly bound around their wrists.
What is truly remarkable about the Boo-lympic Games is how they are able to elevate shouting above the level of civilized discourse. Rarely do spectators have the opportunity to witness the discussion of important public affairs in a trivialized manner. We must cherish these moments when we are distanced from serious political discussion,
Which is why I was so angry when I read that the New University Editorial Board posted a plea for “civil dialogue” over the conflict centered on the most recent Boo-lympic Games. I believe that it goes without saying that the New University Editorial Board is made up of immature, irresponsible stupid poopy faces that simply don’t have Boo-lympic stones to trivialize an important topic by shouting and shrieking. And might I add, “How many trees did you kill printing this paper that have my words on it?”
Despite the growing respect the Boo-lympic Games have garnered over this last year, we must continue to endure a reasonable response from the spineless bed-wetters at the New University. When the Boo-lympics started we only had a few brave souls willing to shout at people. Bill O’Reilly and Rush Limbaugh have carried this competition into the mainstream. Sean Hannity and Glenn Beck have taken shouting to a whole new level, even adding a crying event. But what is most pleasing to see is that the public has latched onto the spirit of the Games and started shouting down politicians at town hall meetings. Before you know it, reason and civilized dialogue will no longer exist!
I can only dream of a day when people will be free to shout, unashamed about the banality of their words leaking out of their anal cavity. The Boo-lympic games stand as a bastion of freedom against the tyranny of reason and logic. Our first professional athlete, Congressman Joe Wilson, will hopefully one day not be punished for his outburst at President Obama, but honored for his total disregard for civility. When important issues must be discussed, you will be able to count on the Boo-lympic games to foster discussion free of reason, understanding or compassion. Opponents will be demonized into categories of good or bad no matter how complex and nuanced the situation. The discussion will require no thought, only anger – banal, anal canal anger.
Papers such as the New University will be cast aside as proponents of reasonable thought because once a civilized dialogue takes place it will breed reason and reason will beget understanding and understanding will birth effective solutions!
Reason, understanding and solutions are the enemies of the Boo-lympic Games because they take us too close to the actual issue at hand. Reason will force us to think about solving problems and get our hands dirty with negotiation. The Irvine Eleven’s wonderful display of shouting ushers in a new era of Games. They will ensure that an issue they are passionate about will remain trivialized and will never have to be engaged with the reality of a complex and intricate problem that will require effective leadership and respect.
James Kuo is a fourth-year English major. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.