An End to the UC Financial Crisis!

According to University of California President Mark Yudolf, the budget crisis for UC has finally been rectified. Every UC school, including UC Irvine has been mortgaged by the State of California to different companies who not only will finance individual buildings, but also the different schools and the faculty teaching within them.

The designated sponsors are scheduled to rename buildings and start funding next spring in March of 2011.

To the dismay of the UCI faculty, these companies will also have partial control over what topics may be covered within each school, leading many to suspect some learning censorship to come. This may include a change in curriculum, change in staff and a change in the overall quality of information received.

However, students need not worry. While the quality of their education will slowly become more and more diluted, the connections made with top tier companies and individuals (considered by many to be the only thing necessary to get a job in the current economy) will be more than enough for students looking to afford a house, a car or a dinner in the near future.

“Students need to just be happy that they are no longer paying the 32 percent increase,” Peter the Anteater, UCI’s school mascot said about the new owners. “First they were angry that they were paying too much and they hated the State. Now they hate the new people in charge. Not only are the school sponsors good people, but they have also been appropriately selected for whatever school they were assigned to. There is no reason for a protest.”

Regardless of Anteaters’ pleas, many students have already begun protesting against the new mortgaged University. They have also begun tacking-on other issues including a removal of the Anteater statues in the Student Center, cheaper prices at Cha for Tea in the University Town Center, a removal of Chancellor Michael Drake in exchange for Drake the rap artist so he can be “da best,” more “hot” male students, and even a list of demands for cupcakes.

Only time will tell what the future for UC holds.

Note: This story is entirely fictional.