Coaches Brush Up On Standardized Replies

The American Association of Allied Coaches (AAAC) circled the wagons and gathered the troops in Irvine, CA this last weekend to discuss the newest in properly bland, least-revealing, and completely original interview responses.

“It was a really great experience for the kids to gain some experience early on,” Head Coach Michael Krytzewkowski muttered. “The convention was a great game, and the better team came out on top.”

New for this year was answering questions in a round-about way, with the ultimate goal of not actually answering anything related to the question. Bonus points were given for speaking in an elevated manner that managed to confuse the interviewee so much that any additional questions would make him or her seem stupid.

“We had a tough go at it, but I think we managed to come around,” Head Coach William Night droned. “I don’t think there’s anything more that needs to be said.”

Of course, fundamental workshops were held for newbie coaches. Time-tested favorites were practiced with some of the coaches not even looking at their cue cards.

“It was a battle out there, but we fought the good fight, and we left everything we had on the floor. The guys played with their hearts on their sleeves, and we never gave up,” Assistant Coach Deon Ly said, without pausing between sentences.

As usual, protesting members for the sports media world scribbled furiously and ate fast food. John Maddening, who used to attend the meetings himself, found himself on the other side of things.

“When you’re a coach, you’re a coach,” Maddening quipped. “When you’re not a coach, you are not a coach. It’s as simple as that.”

Other newspaper journalists, frustrated at their daily restrictions from being too loquacious and dramatic, took advantage of the opportunity to be quoted.

“With the heartbreaking state of journalism these days, the last thing we need are more feckless quotes,” an anonymous St. Louis journalist said. “It’s a wonder the sun even rises … but it does. It does as sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”