Fighting in the Name of Cupcakes
It is with crucial concern and urgency that the baked goods conflict of 2010 is over: the cupcakes have won. The Circle of Concerned Cookies, under a barrage of artillery milking, fell over and was unable to get back up. Cupcakes, with their wider base, stood their ground and overturned the rolling cookie ambush. In the end, the chocolate chips proved no match for the rainbow sprinkle-adorned frosting.
Captain Manny Marble and Lieutenant Clarence Carrot are the notable Eaten-In-Action casualties for the cupcakes. The Peanut-Butter Cookie Battalion, with razor-like precision, sliced straight through Sergeant Sunny Lemon’s cupcake platoon before splitting Captain Marble and Lieutenant Carrot in half.
Arguably, the Cupcakes’ Vanilla Battery and their new Commander, Captain Michael Milk Chocolate, fought the best-tasting action of the day. Their pummeling of Grandma’s Oatmeal Raisin and Homestyle Fudge Chocolate Chip Battalions turned out to be the decisive tasting of the conflict. Colonel Velvet’s field artillery battalion dropped a three-round, six-gun battery, converged sheaf of milk on the two cookie battalions, soaking and drowning the cookies into a puddle of cookie dough.
With the conflict nearly decided and the last remnants of the Sugar Cookie Company retreating to the oven, an unlikely group of Girl Scout Cookie reinforcements blitzed to the front lines. The Caramel Delights held down the spatula, as did the Thin Mints for a while. But the Mother Cake responded with reinforcements of her own. The Cupcake Special Forces, notably the Ginger Lemon and Mocha Fudge Groups, parachuted teams of their own to squash the insurrection and bring victory for the cupcakes of the United Council of Ingredients.
As a condition for the cookie surrender, President Butterfinger-Oreo made the following demands on behalf of the United Council of Ingredients:
*We demand that every time the addition of new baked goods to the UCI cupboard is cut, the dough that would have been given to the Cookie Council be given to the Cupcake Council
*We demand the Chief Bakers office bake more cupcakes into all positions at UCI
*We demand permanent spaces for cupcake-inspired art in commemoration of this conflict, separate from the art of other baked goods and their conflicts
*We demand that the Chief Baker and Assistant Chief Baker mandate diversity and sensitivity training for all under-baked goods by requiring courses in cupcake studies.