Intimate Inquiries

Sandy,

I’ve been dating a guy for eight months, but he would never make a move. The most we ever did was hug when we saw each other and hug when we left. Last Thursday though, he came to visit me here at UCI, and we actually hooked up. It was really nice, pretty romantic.

I didn’t talk to him Friday or Saturday, and Sunday I texted him to say Happy Easter. We had a short and pretty pointless conversation, then I stopped answering. (Cause really, what is there to say back to “Fsho.”?) I’m just wondering, what could make him act like this?? I thought after we kissed we’d get closer and things would change.

Ready For Commitment

Dear Ready,

First off, I’m going to need a little clarification on what your definition of “dating” is. What I’ve got so far that you guys have barely spoken, and you can’t get a handle on what he’s saying through text — that puts you right about at interested acquaintance level.

The first sign of dating isn’t just heading out on dates, it’s communicating and learning about one another on a one-on-one basis. If you guys see each other at parties or out with mutual friends, it’s not considered dating.

In any case, if you WANT to be dating this guy, you’re going to actually have to start talking to him. Kissing or “hooking up” isn’t going to suddenly decode your love life. You’ll need to step up and ask to meet in person so you two can actually start getting to know each other.

As you’ve discovered, texting is not the best way to communicate with people. If you must, text him and ask him if he’d like to grab a drink, coffee or a bite to eat.

This is what you would now call a date. If it’s fun and you both enjoy that time you spend with one another, you’ll have many, many dates. After which you can then say you are dating.

Actually getting out and talking will help you both to decipher your feelings for one another and, hopefully, get you the answers that you’re looking for.

Sandy

Sandy,

I need help. I’m just a kid (14 years old) and am in lust with my best friend. But, I still want to remain a virgin. That value is very close to me and is something I would never dare to break. Of course he doesn’t feel the same way about me.

Sometimes, playfully, he will growl at me or lick his lips or tell me he’s a “bad boy.” He doesn’t mean any of this and is only joking, but he’s completely unaware of the effect this is having on me.

Everything about him makes me blush and sweat, and sometimes I can’t even look him in the eyes. I feel so ashamed of myself. I know these feelings are human, but I still feel very upset.

Best Friend Blues

Dear BFB,

You need to define your intentions — do you want to become involved with this guy without the pressure of having sex? Or do you want to try to lose him altogether?

It sounds as though he is making you pretty uncomfortable. As you said, he’s completely unaware of the affect this behavior is having on you and the only way to get him to stop doing what he’s doing is to tell him. If he is, in fact, your friend, this is a really important step that you shouldn’t skip.

If it’s a relationship you’re after, be straightforward about your beliefs. And if you’re having trouble being direct with him, you can bring the topic up in a conversation with friends, mentioning that you feel it’s important to wait until you’re ready for sex.

If you’re looking to try to move on from this guy because you think that he’s a bad influence, make an effort to spend time with people outside that group of friends. But, again, nothing is going to help resolve this problem better than letting him know he’s making you uncomfortable.

Sandy

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