Drawn and Quoted

Famous For Being Famous – Kim Kardashian’s ex-husband, Damon Thomas, broke the silence this week in an interview with In Touch. The truth was finally brought out in the open in the shocking interview. Apparently, according to Thomas, Kardashian is a “fame whore” who “can’t write, sing or dance.”

Thank you, Captain Obvious. I am so glad we have Damon Thomas to finally let us in on the truth about Kim. I had always assumed she was extremely talented at just about everything and was only hiding it to mess with all of us. After all, if she never did anything that mattered, why would she be famous? It only makes sense.

In other appalling and unbelievable news, Paris Hilton has no marketable skills, Britney Spears’ career is over and Lindsay Lohan likes drugs.

Spill, Baby, Spill – I actually don’t want to make fun of Sarah Palin anymore. It’s becoming so cliché that it is no longer funny. Unfortunately for you, making fun of Sarah Palin is really easy, hence the following.

After the recent oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, which will soon surpass the 1989 Exxon-Valdez disaster as the worst spill in U.S. history, Palin encouraged Americans to “trust the oil industry” and repeated the need to “drill here, drill now.” Tell that to the sea turtles, Sarah. She also said something about how we need to wean ourselves off of foreign sources of oil in order to be “truly free.” Doesn’t it totally suck that all the oil is in other countries and this would never actually work?

I don’t really understand why she felt the need to make these statements. I mean, what kind of political points could she possibly be scoring? In the aftermath of a major oil spill, you would think politicians wouldn’t want to be the first ones to say we should trust oil companies again.

Los Suns – In Game 2 of the Western Conference Semifinals last week, the Phoenix Suns sported jerseys identifying the team as “Los Suns,” in what was apparently a protest against the new Arizona immigration laws. The legislation, as most people know by now, allows Arizona police officers to check the citizenship status of people that “look illegal.” Steve Kerr, the team’s general manager, compared the law to Nazi Germany.

Conservative politicians across Arizona are upset about Kerr’s statements, but in his defense, asking someone to “show me your papers” sort of has a Gestapo-esque feel to it. I mean, isn’t that the one line spouted by every Nazi in every video game you’ve ever played? Decades of high quality video games can’t be wrong.

Barack O-BALLA – In case you missed it, please, for the love of God, watch Obama’s recent speech at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner on YouTube. It was basically 15 minutes of stand-up comedy from the commander in chief.

Among the highlights: “This year I’ve experienced my share of disappointments. For example, I had my heart set on the Nobel Prize – for Physics. But hey, you can’t win ‘em all.” Also, “Obviously I’ve learned this year politics can be a tough business, but there are times where you just can’t help but laugh. You know what really tickles me? Eric Massa.”

Just go watch it now, please.