Double Down

When speaking of the next big thing, it is often said that this is “the best thing since sliced bread.” But really, what’s so great about sliced bread in the first place? This is the question that the culinary gods who run Kentucky Fried Chicken asked recently, and their answer came in the form of a sandwich so badass, sliced bread was simply unnecessary. If you appreciate good food at all, you’ve already tried it. If not, prepare to meet and worship the “Double Down.”

For the poor, unfortunate souls who don’t know what I’m talking about, the Double Down consists of bacon, cheese and something called “Colonel’s Sauce,” all smothered between two slabs of fried chicken that act as the buns. In the words of the experts at KFC, this bad boy is “so meaty there’s no room for the bun.” Those familiar with the sandwich refer to it colloquially as the “Double Dee,” or simply the “DD.” For the best possible experience, I suggest enjoying your next Double Dee outdoors on a clear day, allowing the grease to glisten in the midday sun. Bring plenty of napkins.

Bacon, cheese, sauce and two generous cuts of deep-fried chicken — what this all amounts to is an all-out party in your mouth. And while this isn’t saying much, this party will certainly be better than any of the parties you’ve been to at UC Irvine. Let’s just be honest about that right now.

Given the meager dining options on campus, which we have all relied on far too often, there really is no reason why you shouldn’t be eating a Double Down at least two to three times per week. And if you’re worried about the price — the Double Down does cost a whopping five bones — let me put your fears to rest. This sandwich will fill you up and leave you more than satisfied. Just don’t ask the cashier what is in the Colonel’s Sauce. I don’t think any of us need or want to know that.

If you find yourself uncertain about whether or not to partake in this culinary work of art, you are not alone. Change is difficult at first. Whether it be a new president, a move to a new city, or the struggle to embrace advancements in sandwich technology, all of us have a hard time with drastic changes. Of course, as with most foods, you can’t really knock it until you’ve tried it. Swallow your pride, walk across Campus Drive to the conveniently located KFC near the Student Center Parking Structure and get ready to live.

Now, before all of you nay-sayers out there ruin the fun by calling us “Double Down devotees” out on our apparent unhealthiness, consider the facts. At 540 calories, this “chosen sandwich” is actually much lower in calories than a Double Double from In-N-Out, and it only contains half as many calories as the average Chipotle burrito. In fact, those of you who start your day off with that venti Starbucks frappuccino are already almost there, just with that drink alone. Think about that before you keep drinking your ice-chilled haterade.

A word of caution: You may occasionally open your to-go bag and find a poorly prepared Double Down inside. These things happen at fast-food establishments. I mean, it’s not like the guy putting your Double Dee together is making bank. Perhaps the cheese was not melted all the way, or you got shafted on the sauce. In these critical moments, it is wise to remember that a poorly-prepared Double Down is better than a well-prepared anything else.

Besides, you really need to get on board the Double Down train now. Hop on the bandwagon before it’s too late. Consider this your warning. The Double Down is well on its way to joining apple pie, baseball and type 2 diabetes as a firmly established American tradition. To eat the Double Down is to be patriotic. If you can’t enjoy the greasy goodness of the Double Down, America probably isn’t the place for you. Get out.

In summation, if you have yet to experience the inner joy and peace that comes to those who partake of the latest addition to the KFC menu, go eat a Double Down right now. Do it for your stomach. Do it for the kids. Do it for the sake of your emotional well-being. Tell yourself whatever you need to tell yourself, and just go eat a Double Down as soon as possible. You will not regret your decision.