Drawn and Quoted

Meth is a Hell of a Drug – It turns out that the guys that were supposed to be regulating offshore drilling in the Gulf weren’t regulating offshore drilling in the Gulf. Instead, they were smoking meth and indulging in porn while on the clock. They also attended sporting events and concerts paid for by oil firms.

All of this is very interesting in light of recent news that as early as 2005, BP employees were aware of the dangerous nature of drilling in such deep water. The moral of the story: when you’re supervising something that has the potential to cause the worst oil disaster in U.S. history, please follow the time-tested mantra, “Just Say No.”

The Indianapolis 500 Happened – A bunch of really skinny cars drove around in a big circle for a few hours. Sweet.

This is Why I am Now Very Thin – What the hell is going on with the This Is Why You’re Fat website? For the past week, the site has been down. All I’ve done for the past week is refreshed the page over and over again, waiting desperately for it to return to full activity. And now, because I’ve spent my whole week waiting for This Is Why You’re Fat to come back, I am now very thin, and this is why. Shit.

Beck Fail – A few days after claiming that the families of politicians are off-limits, Glenn Beck made fun of President Obama’s daughter, Malia, on his radio show. Apparently, only Sarah Palin’s family is off limits in Beck’s mind – which totally makes life more difficult, because making fun of Palin’s family is so much easier.

One More Time – As a sports fan, I’m overjoyed that the NBA totally doesn’t care about originality at all. Yet again, we get to watch the Lakers play the Celtics in the Finals. How exciting, especially considering the fact that the NBA is rigged and the referees basically decide who wins every game. Somebody needs to slip Joe Crawford a Benjamin or two and get him to let somebody else win for once. Can we please get a different matchup at some point?

We Will Now Ask and Tell – A vote is expected in Congress that may repeal the controversial “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy in the U.S. military. This begs the question: If the law is changed, will our troops begin Asking and Telling?

Growing Pains – Apparently, the cool new thing the kids are doing these days is “sack-tapping.” Basically, you’re a dude, you slap another dude in the balls – like, with your hands – and you post video of it on YouTube for the world to see. Even the medical community has taken notice, as more and more teenage boys head to the doctor after receiving a swift slap to the junk. It’s all fun and games until somebody loses the ability to procreate.

Anyway, don’t fret about the risks involved. Feel free to take a moment to express your excitement about this new development. Yes, the era that we have all been waiting for has arrived. Finally, after all these years, it is socially acceptable for one dude to touch another dude’s sack in public. Don’t just sit there. Go out and try it today.

Doubling Down on the Double Down – There is a God, and He has a plan for us after all. KFC has decided to make the Double Down a permanent menu item. Words cannot express the gratitude that all of us should feel for this revelation. Clearly, someone in Heaven is watching out for us.