Drawn and Quoted

Whirled Cup – Regardless of what you may be reading in our Sports section from time to time, there is not a single honest person in the United States of America that cares about soccer. There just isn’t. Anyone that claims they do care was either born somewhere else, is desperately trying to look like a cultured world citizen, or really wants you to hear them pronounce Uruguay correctly. Even the guys that play for the U.S. soccer team don’t care about the sport, which you may have inferred from their performance against Ghana.

And yes, I will continue to refer to soccer as soccer, not football. The God-sanctioned American pastime known as football begins its season each September, and teams in that hallowed sport compete for Bowls, not Cups.

Barack You Like a Hurricane – It seems like anything President Obama wants to get done for the city of Chicago is therefore inherently impossible to do. I’m not trying to be superstitious here, but maybe there is something supernatural at work. Exhibit A: Obama wants the Olympics in Chicago, and we don’t get them. Exhibit B: He wants LeBron James in Chicago, and he doesn’t get him.

This theory must be tested! Citizens of Chicago should tell the president everything they want in the whole wide world, and then Obama should go on record as saying he wants the exact opposite things to actually happen. Then, maybe Chicago will finally be free of these omens.

King Me – The Miami Heat look poised for a deep playoff run with LeBron James, Dwayne Wade, Chris Bosh and eight or nine random guys from the pickup game I played the other day at the ARC. After paying for a maximum of three contracts, that will probably be all they can afford. Still, this is the biggest pseudo-Dream Team coup d’état the NBA has seen since the Lakers stockpiled Shaq, Kobe, Karl Malone and Gary Payton, only to lose the NBA Finals to Detroit in five embarrassing games.
If the “Big Three” prove us all wrong and put up multiple championships in Miami, the mantra in the NBA will change forever. No, defense does not win championships. Money does.

You Know the Drill – Getting back to things Obama wants to do that never get done, a federal appeals court ruled recently that the Obama Administration could not enact a six-month moratorium on offshore drilling in the Gulf of Mexico.
Who is this judge and where does he get the balls? Hey, I know exactly what we should do after offshore drilling led us to the worst oil disaster in our nation’s history – We should drill in that same spot even more!

Lohan Fail – Now that Lindsay Lohan is on her way to three months in the slammer, any doubters should now be fully convinced that the broad is a total trainwreck. Yes, I know she was adorable in “The Parent Trap,” but that was, like, seven years ago – or some other number in that ballpark. Hopefully it isn’t easier for her to obtain illegal drugs in jail than it is now. And hey, she may have to endure months of separation from meth-fueled Hollywood soirées, but at least she can finally shed that awful anklet.

Climate Change Deniers Beware – It turns out that last year’s controversial “Climategate” was nothing but pollutant smoke and mirrors. For those with meaningful lives that didn’t hear about Climategate, the details are simple. The e-mail accounts of several leading climatologists were hacked, and it appeared that they had blatantly distorted scientific evidence in order to make global warming appear much worse than it actually is in reality. Climate changes skeptics were elated; having conquered both evolution and global warming, they were prepared to move on and disprove other obviously fact-based scientific theories – including gravity, which they never have been too sure about.

Recent official investigations have concluded, however, that this whole thing was overblown. Facts and figures were not distorted, and it turns out that climate change is actually happening, whether or not Al Gore still wears a jacket during those frigid Tennessee winters.

Stuck in Arizona Without ID – The Obama Administration is taking on Arizona’s controversial immigration law with a full-on lawsuit. It’s great to see a foreign leader care. Does Obama’s passion for this controversial issue finally prove that he really was born in a different country?