Drawn and Quoted

Favre Favre Away – In an edge-of-your-seat 24-hour period where I never changed the channel from SportsCenter, ESPN reported that Brett Favre was done forever, only to report later that evening that he actually will come back if he feels healthy enough to play.

Okay, at this point, Brett Favre’s word is about as worthless as shares of stock in CitiBank.

The way I see it, if Favre took the podium and formally announced his retirement from the NFL, that would actually increase the likelihood that he will be back this season. Literally, the only thing that would guarantee that he wouldn’t play this year would be if he died. Sad thought, but it’s really the only way to know for sure.

Never mind. Even then, I’d still hold out a 5 percent chance that he would find a way to get his ass back on the field. He’s as unstoppable as the stampedes at music festivals in Germany.

NYC Gets the Bulls-Eye – In another fatal blow to the American dream of owning a small business, Target opened its first store in Manhattan last week. It just keeps getting worse, as every city in the United States becomes a model of corporate conformity. Good people across the country are being forced to shut down generations-old family businesses because they are unable to compete with department store prices.

You know what, tough luck for them. Maybe if the mom and pop store down the street had a Starbucks, a one-hour photo, a full grocery section and great deals on back-to-school necessities, all under one roof, I wouldn’t have to go to Target every time I need anything.

Amazon Lowers Kindle Price – The poor man’s iPad now sells for $139 and is expected to get even cheaper as the holidays approach. People that want to look cool in coffee shops, and are fine with whatever effort is necessary to make that happen, reportedly praised the decision. The latest version of the Kindle even comes with a display alarm that goes off every 10 seconds, reminding you to briefly look around at those near you to make sure they are looking at you and are jealous that you have a Kindle and are reading from it in public.

Yay for the Gays – In another victory for equal rights, a federal judge ruled that Proposition 8 is unconstitutional. Hopefully the ground that was gained this week will not be lost in future court rulings. It is high time that we had equality for all people in this state. It is the duty of the U.S. Supreme Court, when the time comes for them to make the ultimate decision, to recognize that there is no precedent or justification in the Constitution for denying marriage to same-sex couples. The only discrimination I support is banning people without mullets from playing in the NHL.

Dude, Where’s My Phone? – Since when did the BlackBerry become the root of all evil? Lebanon is evaluating whether or not to ban the Berry based on concerns about whether or not the government can effectively supervise everything everyone ever does or says ever. Saudi Arabia and the United Arab Emirates have already banned BlackBerry service in Big Brother-esque fashion.

Leaders of both nations, when asked whether they planned to ban iPhone service as well, commented that it would be unnecessary to put any effort into banning a phone that doesn’t get reception anyway.