Ranting On Lindsay Lohan

Few things are more nauseating than hearing the latest update on the life of Lindsay Lohan. Most recently? Due to a court order extending her rehab stay, she’s been dropped from a contract for the movie “Inferno,” in which she was set to play a porn star. I don’t know what’s more disheartening, the fact that Lohan has to go to rehab in the first place, or that the tabloids view it as a loss for an actress to stay clothed and preserve what little remains of her dignity.

Flashback to the summer of ’98: I remember being introduced to Lohan in the remake of “The Parent Trap,” in which the starlet plays a set of twin girls who don’t know the other exists until they meet at summer camp (you’ve all seen the ABC Family reruns). Lohan was definitely girl-crush worthy in that film; her California twin beats her British twin at poker, all while wearing badass blue nail polish that I’m sure would have been taboo in my household.

Lohan kept this fun, good-girl-with-an-edge image up for a handful of movies, including “Freaky Friday” (remake), “Herbie: Fully Loaded” (remakey-sequel thing — what’s up with this trend?) and perhaps even “Mean Girls” (though the inner floozy starts to surface). She also recorded the album “Speak,” which was released in 2004 and, like “Mean Girls,” bridged that gap between the freckly good girl and naughty teen star (and graced the world with some horrendously unnecessary pop tunes).
Things have now taken quite the turn for the worse. I don’t know if you’ve seen “Georgia Rule,” but if you haven’t, keep it that way. All I remember from that movie was Lohan’s character attempting to seduce a much older man and corrupting a Mormon boy — oh, and that it sucked.

As of right now, it seems that Lohan’s goal to win an Oscar by age 30 is a pretty far-fetched plan. Things actually seem to be headed in the opposite direction. In 2008, she was handed the record number of Razzies (awards for the worst in film) for her performance as a stripper in some campy thriller called “I Know Who Killed Me.” Then, of course, she’s had the weight loss, cocaine and DUI issues, and stirred up drama by dating DJ Samantha Ronson and “tweeting” about the breakup.
Is it just me, or are the Lohan headlines becoming increasingly ridiculous? An example from People magazine: “Lindsay Lohan gets Marilyn Monroe Quote Tattoo.” Really? Let’s write an article for every splotch of ink on Angelina’s body and see how that adds up. Actually, those exist as well.

The funny thing is, one never needs to go out of one’s way for Lohan information. She just haunts the world. I was vacationing in Canada this summer when my father turned on the television in our hotel room and we were greeted with news of Lohan’s arrest. They care about her too, eh?

And anyone who saw the episode of “Glee” where Gwyneth Paltrow guest-starred, knows that Paltrow’s character, Holly Holiday, asked students to practice their Spanish by discussing how many times Lohan has been in rehab. Apparently Lohan’s mother, Dina, is threatening to sue. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize discussing the facts was off-limits.

Lindsay Lohan is even featured in the newest edition of the board game “Apples to Apples,” a frightening tidbit I discovered while playing on Thanksgiving. Tip: save the card for the adjective “Ludicrous,” or better yet, go the ironic route by matching it with “Classy” or “Dependable.”

The other day, I was talking to a family-friend who works in an office on Rodeo Drive, and she mentioned how annoying and distracting the hone of helicopters is whenever Lohan makes a court appearance. Something in picturing this scenario shocked me, as it made me realize the obvious but all-too-easily forgettable truth: Lindsay Lohan is a real person.

With the myriad of preposterous public stunts and whirlwind of legal drama, I’d forgotten that Lohan is still a human being who has a broken relationship with her father, gets headaches and enjoys a decent clothing sale.

Julia McAlpine is a fourth-year literary journalism major. She can be reached at jmcalpin@uci.edu.