Drawn and Quoted

Irrational Anthem – People all over the country reacted with anger as Christina Aguilera sang the wrong words during her performance of the national anthem at the Super Bowl. I say we should all be thankful she didn’t remind us yet again that none of us know what ramparts are. Besides, considering the fact that she totally botched our country’s anthem during the biggest sporting event of the year, she sang through the mistake seamlessly, and her overall vocal performance was nothing short of outstanding. Not bad for a Socialist that totally hates America and obviously wants the terrorists to win. Those sorts of people are the only ones who would mess up the national anthem, right?

Put differently: The Black Eyed Peas remembered all the words to their songs during the halftime show, and that didn’t stop their performance from sucking. And hey, it could have been a lot worse; they could have tapped Britney Spears for the performance. In that case, we would’ve heard the correct words, but the vocal performance would’ve been more laughable than the progressive moral degradation of Big Ben.

You’ve Got Mail – The naysayers have officially been corrected. You can no longer say that The Huffington Post has never done real journalism. After all, it must have taken an unprecedented level of undercover investigative reporting for them to break the solid-gold story that AOL still exists and is a company and does stuff. The liberal elite media strikes again.

By the way, in a related story, Arianna Huffington is now in charge of MapQuest. Early indications are that all directions requests will now take you directly to a nearby hospital, where you will be forced to redistribute your own income to pay for someone else’s health care before MapQuest tells you how to actually get where you want to go. I guess I’ll keep using Google Maps for my traveling needs.

Romneycare Update – As Bill O’Reillya mentioned during his pre-game interview with President Obama on Super Bowl Sunday, two federal courts have declared that the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act — otherwise known as “Obamacare” — is unconstitutional. The case seems sure to reach the Supreme Court for a final ruling, and nobody is exactly sure how that would pan out. Of course, even though he interrupted the president exactly 72 times during the impressively disrespectful interview, O’Reilly failed to mention that the law has also been upheld twice and that other judges have thrown the case out altogether.

Look, I’m not a legal expert or a scholar of the U.S. Constitution. I just know that the system by which Americans currently obtain health insurance is archaic and unsustainable and needs to change. We need to follow Western Europe’s lead and institute a system that insures all of our citizens, and we need to do it as soon as possible. If the U.S. Constitution forbids us from doing so, then we need to amend it, because it will have become an obstacle preventing us from getting where we need to be on this issue.

Egyptology – Did anyone see the video of Anderson Cooper getting punched by pro-Mubarak protesters in Egypt? What a champ! My level of respect for Cooper has risen, and I now laugh hysterically when anyone refers to what Glenn Beck and Keith Olbermann do as “journalism.” By the way, in a related discovery, Microsoft Word 2008 is apparently a pro-dictatorship institution. As I wrote this, although Word did use spell-check to ask me whether or not I really meant to spell “Obama,” it did not feel the need to question my use of “Mubarak.” It knows.

Sign of the Apocalypse – We’ve all been there. You’re at a club in West Hollywood on a Saturday night, last call is in ten minutes and you’re about to catch a cab with a girl you just met and head back to her place. You know what comes next, and you’re okay with it. But you’re also religious, and you want to be clean and pure before God by the time Sunday Mass rolls around in about nine hours. Fortunately, there’s an app for that.

Yes, the Catholic Church has approved “Confession: A Roman Catholic App,” available now for your iPhone. Finally, the freedom to sin and obtain forgiveness without the middleman. Your phone has now replaced the priest as the intermediary between you and God. (Note: AT&T users may experience a delay in receiving God’s forgiveness depending on network availability. Your decision not to switch to Verizon may have affected your  eternal salvation.)