A Few Words About the Oscars

So, the Oscars happened. Just like every other year in Academy history, the broadcast had its fair share of notable moments, good and bad. Here are our best and worst moments of the 83rd Academy Awards.

Let’s start with the best:

Natalie Portman’s dress: Say what you will about how pretentious she is now and how weird it is that she got with the “Black Swan” choreographer, but bitch looked good. She worked that pregnant body and glow in an amazing Rodarte dress. She and co-star Mila Kunis were pretty much the only well-dressed ladies at the Oscars this year and we were very pleased.

Celine Dion: First of all, Celine Dion looked and sounded great; as easy as it is to bag on Celine, you can’t deny that she sang like an angel. Second, she successfully kept everyone in the audience from clapping disproportionately for the dead film stars and producers commemorated in the “In Memoriam” section.  It kept the moment classy and respectful.

Sandra Bullock’s speech: Last year’s winner for best actress was hilarious as she poked fun at Colin Firth, Javier Bardem, Jeff Bridges and the other Best Actor nominees. We couldn’t help but laugh when she called Jeff Bridges “dude” and told Jesse Eisenberg she was still waiting for him to accept her Facebook friend request.

Best Short Feature: We haven’t seen Luke Matheny’s “God of Love,” but his magnificent hair is making us want to. His acceptance speech was endearing, funny and possibly the best of the show. He thanked his mom for doing craft services for his movie, what’s not to love? Amongst all the haughty nominees and winners, it’s nice to see someone who could be one of your bros winning an Oscar and actually being a little grateful for it.

Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law: The “Sherlock Holmes” bromance was rekindled on stage with the witty banter between these two handsome devils. Law was able to poke fun at Downey Jr.’s scandalous past without making it seem too harsh. We eagerly await the next installment of “RDJ and Jude Law Being Awesome Together.”

“The Social Network” not winning Best Picture: We liked this movie, don’t get us wrong. Aaron Sorkin is a boss screenwriter, David Fincher is a great director and we loved the cast. But as members of the so-called “Facebook Generation,” we’re really glad this movie didn’t win. We don’t want to be defined by this movie in the years to come. We are more than our Facebook accounts, Fincher, didn’t “Fight Club” teach you anything?

Best Picture Montage: Rousing music? Check. Colin Firth’s “King’s Speech” monologue? Check. Perfectly chosen scenes? Check. The Best Picture montage was the perfect time-cutting solution and brought all the Oscar season pathos we love to a well-crafted pinnacle. It’s things like this that remind us why we love film — and the Oscars.

Colin Firth: Colin Firth is better than us — that is a fact we have come to accept. His endearing good looks, oh-so charming British accent, his humble acceptance speech and magnetically attractive demeanor make him our favorite winner of the night. His portrayal of King George VI was raw and emotional; he was able to make a British king more relatable than Jesse Eisenberg was as Mark Zuckerberg.

Christian Bale: Christian Bale (or Jesus Bale as he is now known on the Internet, thanks to his remarkable beard) was able to tone down his weirdness to accept his Oscar for best supporting actor for “The Fighter.”  It’s nice to see Bale get  recognition for his role as a crack-addicted former boxer. We’ve loved Bale since seeing him as the maniacal Patrick Bateman in “American Psycho” and we still love him despite his occasional violent outbursts at crew members.

James Franco and Anne Hathaway as hosts: Anne Hathaway was overly excited and James Franco didn’t try hard enough; the disparate levels of “fucks given” by the host and hostess worked. Franco’s deadpan delivery and Hathaway’s bubbly excitement clashed in a laughable way.

And now for the worst …

Jennifer Hudson’s Boobs: Where to start? Well, her stylist definitely made some mistakes. Her Malibu Barbie-colored Versace dress is landing her positions in “Best Dressed” lists all over the place, but we think it looks all wrong for her body. Seriously, her boobs did not look happy to be shoved in there. They were smashed and flattened against her chest like a stack of pancakes.

Autotune: A lot of people loved the autotune musical moment  — “Oh man, the Harry Potter one made the Oscars!” We disagree. It felt like the Academy’s producers were pandering to the YouTube crowd. Newsflash: autotune remixing was funny a couple years ago. The Oscars basically turned into our awkward professors who still like to refer to Britney Spears’ bald head.

Melissa Leo: Her performance in “The Fighter” was excellent; she played Bostonian white trash with such attitude. But, her unfortunate choice of Oscar wardrobe puts her on our worst list. There are many nanas asking that their doilies be returned to them, no questions asked.

Halle Berry, Marisa Tomei, et al: Every year we have to ask ourselves why these women keep getting invited. And then we realize that they too are former Oscar recipients. Movies like “Catwoman” and “Wild Hogs” should render everyone ineligible for nomination and attendance.

Virtual Sets: The idea was to have a set that morphed its way through Hollywood history over the duration of the night. Cool, right? Well … not when there is absolutely no reason to pay attention to that. In nearly every shot, there were visible P.A.s decked out in black roaming around the stage without a set piece to hide behind. Virtual Reality isn’t a buzz word anymore,

Oscars …

Gwyneth singing: Gwyneth Paltrow is one of those actresses we love to hate; she’s bland and frigid and unlikeable, so seeing her hit the stage as a country star was just unfortunate. And we’re sick of hearing her sing all the damn time — you’re annoying on “Glee,” you marred Cee Lo’s otherwise flawless Grammy performance and now you’ve ruined the Oscars. Kindly stop.

Pretty much every dress ever: Scarlett Johansson wore her grandpa’s Persian rug, Penelope Cruz wore a Red Hot Chili Peppers-themed dress (we get it, you’re a spicy Latina), Helen Mirren wore a curtain, Sharon Stone channeled Cruella de Vil … we could go on, but we’d rather not. Oscar fashions are always the highlight of the entire awards season, but we were sorely disappointed.

Lackluster crowd: We get it; you actors and filmmakers are stuffy as hell, okay. But seriously, perk up! It’s the one night of the year sanctioned by the entire movie-watching world in which it’s okay for you to be super excited about yourself. So go wild! The bored audience ruined the entire illusion of glamour and fun — why should we be jealous of your awesome life if you can’t even pretend to be enjoying yourselves?

Let’s hope next year is just as awkward, entertaining and kooky as 2011.