Drawn and Quoted

Winning – Brace yourselves for a thrill, people. Charlie Sheen’s traveling train wreck, dubbed “Charlie Sheen Live: My Violent Torpedo of Truth,” is coming to a theater near you. It seems that tweeting 15 times a day and doing interviews with 20 cable network shows was not keeping Sheen busy enough in the wake of his ungraceful departure from the set of his sub-par sitcom. He is going out on the road, and some observers are predicting the worst. This begs the question: Is paying $100 to watch Sheen candy-flip in person a decision that can accurately be described as “winning”?

Only time will tell whether Sheen is the same without the laugh track on repeat. “My Violent Torpedo of Truth” is sure to sell tons of tickets, regardless of whether or not it’s actually funny. For those that can’t resist, I suggest drinking enough booze before the show to guarantee a good time. And rest assured that if the show is a bomb, at least you’ll be able to see the goddesses in person.

Leave Natalie Alone – Can everyone just shut up about whether or not Natalie Portman actually did all of the dancing scenes in “Black Swan”? This is Hollywood, people. Of course she had a body double, and of course the unnamed (but clearly very attractive) body double did a lot of the on-screen work. Did anyone actually watch the entire movie and remain under the impression that she did every single scene?

In a related note, Mila Kunis totally did all of her own scenes. Right? I don’t know. I’m just glad I saw the movie, because now when Mila Kunis talks I can finally imagine something else in my head besides Meg from “Family Guy.” Those were bad days.

Speak of the Devil – By the way, thanks to our apathetic student body, UCI recently placed third in a vote in which a campus visit from “Your Highness” stars Natalie Portman and James Franco was at stake. UC Santa Barbara won the honors of seeing Queen Amidala from “Star Wars” in person, although UCI will at least get an advanced screening of what promises to be a marginally watchable film. I guess nobody should be surprised that UCSB placed first in a contest involving a movie with a title that relates to smoking weed.

Anaheim Royals – The cat has officially been let out of the bag. The City of Anaheim is pursuing an NBA team, and that NBA team is almost certainly the Sacramento Kings. Apparently their new name would be the Anaheim Royals and they would play games at the Honda Center. Sounds awesome, right?

Not really. This would be our third NBA team and second terrible NBA team. Driving to Los Angeles really doesn’t take that long, people. We don’t need another team here in Orange County, especially not a team like the Kings that shoots 20 percent from the field. I’ve seen better basketball games played at the ARC, and I can get in there for free. There are plenty of substantial cities without teams; Vegas, Seattle and San Diego should all get teams before the Greater Los Angeles area gets its third. Take note, current Kings owners: If we want to watch awful basketball, we already have the Clippers and the local 24-Hour Fitness.

Actually, never mind. If bringing the Kings here means I have to deal with fewer delusional Lakers fans that won’t shut up about how the Ron Artest trade was a good move, I’m for it.

Republican Hypocrisy – The last two weeks have been a case study in Republican politicians doing whatever it takes to be anti-Obama. Two weeks ago, Newt Gingrich and his ilk could not shut up about how we needed to invade Libya as soon as possible. Then Obama gathered international support and started dropping bombs, and now those same people are saying we never should have done it. He gets ripped by the Republicans no matter what he does; had he not gathered international support, they would have criticized him for that too.

Gingrich even said that Obama failed to lead on Libya because he was too busy filling out his NCAA bracket -although now he thinks Obama went about that whole Libya thing all wrong. And in that same very telling moment, Gingrich praised French president Nicolas Sarkozy for acting while Obama did nothing. You know something is wrong when a Republican is saying anything positive about the French.

But let’s set aside the fact that Obama’s bracket was an exercise in picking only number-one seeds and probably took all of 12 minutes to fill out. There is literally nothing Obama could do that would appease these people. They have no problem doing a complete about-face just to oppose him on every possible issue. Of course, this problem is not unique to the Republican Party; Democrats do it too, although not quite at the same frenetic pace. The last two weeks have seen more flip-flopping among potential GOP presidential candidates than Mitt Romney has done in his entire career – and that’s saying something. Chalk it up as yet another reason our two-party system sucks.