A Movie Premiere In HIB? You’re Heinous

“SOLD OUT.” Seriously? On Thursday April 7, UC Irvine is expected to host a premiere of “Your Highness,” one of the most anticipated comedy movies of the year, in HIB 100 (Humanities Instructional Building), an auditorium that seats 345 students. This comes at the conclusion of a nationwide competition in which UCI placed third, behind UC Santa Barbara and New Jersey’s Rutgers University. As one of the top eight schools in the country in the contest, UCI has been granted the opportunity to screen a legitimate Hollywood movie on our campus. With UCSB allotting 15,389 email entries to the competition, they won the chance to have the stars of “Your Highness” at their campus, including: Kenny “Fuckin’” Powers himself, Danny McBride; a teen girl’s wet dream, James Franco; and Natalie “Mila Kunis went down on me” Portman. However, McBride, Franco and Portman will only appear at UCSB and not at the other seven winning universities.

The Anteaters may not be able to ooh and awe over the sexiness of Franco and Portman, while appreciating how McBride makes up for his dreadful appearance as one of America’s funniest pieces of shit; but we should still be celebrating the weight of this event. For the first time, college audiences have determined the location of a movie premiere, yet just 345 seats are available for the occasion.

Get over the fact that it’s a comedy movie. Whether the film flops or is a comedy genius, UCI should be proud to have placed so high in a national competition that brings a premiere to Irvine. I don’t care if they brought an equivalent of Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck’s “Gigli” or Mariah Carey’s “Glitter” box-office busts, a movie premiere is special. The fact that the same student body that can’t get off our asses to watch one of the country’s best college volleyball, baseball and water polo teams, actually won a nationwide contest that required school spirit, should be met with trumpets. There should be a frickin’ police escort for the individual who carries the copy of “Your Highness” down West Peltason and on to the campus.

Over 10,000 email submissions voted for UCI to screen a story in which Prince Fabious (Franco) must rescue his bride (Portman) while being accompanied by his useless brother Thadeous (McBride) in an epic comedy movie that’s set in a fantastical world. The tickets were sold out in an instant. There are four separate screenings at UCSB, compared to our ONE.

This isn’t a showing of “Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince” that comes out 18 months after everyone and their sorcerer showed up and froze their nipples off at the midnight showing. It’s a premiere of a movie that has never been shown to the public before!

UCI has two locations that could’ve sufficed: the Bren Events Center and Aldrich Park. The Bren likely needs more than a couple of weeks to prepare for an event of epic proportions, so their lack of availability would have been met with understanding. However, a lack of timing is no excuse for placing the premiere in HIB as opposed to Aldrich Park. Just because HIB has been the arbitrary location to watch movies on campus at UCI doesn’t mean that the biggest screening in school history should be segregated to a classroom that already rejects several waitlisted students per quarter due to a lack of space.

Aldrich has been host to movie screenings and concerts in the past; it’s huge. An event that we won because of our numbers is now exclusive to those lucky enough to request tickets immediately when the abysmal amount of tickets became available. We should be celebrating this as a collective; after all, 10,692 emails were registered. When was the last time 10,692 students did anything together at UCI? Granted many students likely registered multiple email accounts so 10,692 is not a fair estimate of students, but compare 10,692 votes to the number 1,745, which is the amount of individuals who participated in September’s world record dodgeball game at the Bren. Students should be grabbing blankets, sneaking in forties and yelling, “Shut the hell up, the movie’s starting!” in Aldrich Park, not being forced to pay for a movie that much more than 345 students rightfully earned.

Ian Massey is a second-year literary journalism major. He can be reached at imassey@uci.edu.