Drawn and Quoted

Off the Market Again – Not sure if people care about this as much as I do, but did you hear that Scarlett Johansson, 26, is officially dating 50-year-old Sean Penn? Best wishes to the both of them, but personally, I think it’s a little gross. In fact, I just threw up a little bit in my mouth. Just think about it this way: Penn epically played the part of perma-stoned surf bum Jeff Spicoli in “Fast Times at Ridgemont High” two years before ScarJo was born. Barf.

Music in the Cloud – Anyone and everyone who has ever bought anything from Amazon has been bombarded recently about using the new Amazon Cloud Player. You buy music, it goes “in the cloud,” and you can access it from any computer or from your phone via the free Cloud Player app.

I don’t really see what the big deal is. Everyone already has an iPod, right? All of my music is on my iPod already. Why drain the battery on my cell phone by streaming music from “the cloud” when I can keep my music where it is and enjoy it just the same? Besides, my music is all on my computer, too. People are saying that Amazon beat Apple and Google to the punch on this one, but it wasn’t much of a race. Although I do like the Cloud’s ability to store documents for access anywhere, when it comes to music, I really don’t see the point of it all.

Having said that, anyone that still buys music from the iTunes Store needs to stop. Music is almost always a few bucks cheaper on the Amazon MP3 store than it is on iTunes. Of course, this only applies if you still pay for your music. Just sayin’.

Who Am I? – I deactivated my Facebook and Twitter accounts a few weeks ago, and I have no idea who I am anymore. Do I have friends? Honestly, I’m not really sure. What hilarious memes are currently circulating the Internet? No clue. What kind of music do I like? What is Snooki ranting about today? Why do I even need a computer anymore? No idea, really. And most importantly, if I do something fun like go to a concert or eat at a yummy restaurant, how will I make sure everyone in the world knows I did that thing and am therefore an awesome person that deserves to be “liked” and envied? My situation seems bleak.

One benefit of not having a Facebook account, though, is that I am now out of touch with the civilized world, which means I have successfully made it this far without hearing that Rebecca Black song people keep mentioning. But again, I’m getting pretty lonely. Someone talk to me before I totally freak out.

The Trump Card – It’s official, people. Donald Trump, the King of New York City and the world’s ugliest billionaire, is a birther. In other words, Donald Trump is totally running for President. Trump says he’s deeply concerned about whether or not Barack Obama was born in the United States, and claims that the issue is worth investigating because if he actually was born elsewhere, it would be “the greatest scam in the history of the country.” Trump, of course, is not alone in this belief; recent polling data shows that anywhere between 25 to 51 percent of Republicans now question whether Obama was born on American soil or believe outright that he was not.

I think we’re officially at the point where nothing will satisfy these people. Sufficient evidence exists to prove them wrong, but no amount of evidence will ever be enough. The most unfortunate thing about the birther conspiracies —  even more unfortunate than the fact that the birther theories are completely false —  is that they distract us from having real political conversations. We face so many pressing issues at home and abroad; if there was ever a time for legitimate, rational and thoughtful debate between liberals and conservatives about government policy, that time is now. And yet, our political discourse continues to regress into half-baked conspiracy theories about Barack Obama’s birthplace or religiosity. If this is the best that conservatives can come up with, I don’t think Obama will be losing any sleep during the 2012 election cycle.