Charlie Sheen’s Violent Torpedo of Losing

It’s not easy being a rock god from Mars. When you’ve got Tiger Blood coursing through your veins and Adonis’ DNA, how can you be expected to deal with the bloodsucking trolls? Well, ladies and gentlemen, Charlie Sheen has found a way.

A Torpedo of Truth.

Charlie Sheen, everyone’s favorite warlock, decided to ride his recent tidal wave of fame head-on into the public, even if people were just getting ready to forget all about him. His ingenious plan is titled the “My Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat Is Not An Option” Tour, and I guess you’d have to call it a one-man show, but it’s probably unlike anything that the stage has ever seen, and it’s most assuredly WINNING!

Or not, actually.

Sheen’s first appearance on the tour was in Detroit, which should’ve been an easy enough crowd, because everyone there already had Tiger Blood anyway. But with the price of admission so high (over $100 a pop), the good people of Detroit were demanding one hell of a show, and Sheen didn’t exactly deliver. What he did deliver was an incredibly confusing stream of consciousness peppered with an excessive amount of video clips, all amid storms of catcalls and accusations aimed at the trolls. For a show backed entirely by Sheen’s incredible popularity, the reviews were overwhelmingly negative.

Of course, as Charlie has said before, he only has one speed: GO. And that means moving forward from such an immense failure and drastically changing his show at the last minute to appease the ever-so-fickle American audience. In fact, by the time the Chicago show had come around, Sheen’s Torpedo was a horse of an entirely different color.

The first things to go were the video clips. While it was clear that Sheen really liked watching himself on screen and talking about it, the fans were less excited about handing over their hard-earned cash just to watch TV. Secondly, Charlie pulled a tricky little revamp on his actual dialogue, going from tidbits like “I have defeated this earthworm with my words. Imagine what I would have done with my fire-breathing fists” to actual stories about his life. It sounds insane, but apparently, when people go to see someone live, they want to know a little bit about him. Sheen dazzled audiences with anecdotes about drug use, stories about his father Martin Sheen and of course, all about those blood-sucking trolls that run “Two and a Half Men.”

Finally, and perhaps the most important change-up to Sheen’s show, was the addition of a Q-and-A segment after the main show, where you, (yes, you!) the ordinary human being, could ask the Vatican Assassin Warlock all about what it’s like to be an F-18, to be on a drug called Charlie Sheen. In reality, most people just wanted to know why he was paying to have sex, why he had done so many drugs and why he was talking like a 16th-century poet on smack. In the end, according to Sheen, it all came down to money. “I had millions to blow; I ran out of things to buy.” Despite how depressing it may sound back here in the troll-seats, Sheen’s Chicago Show was actually a roaring success, earning him standing ovations and blown kisses from the audience.

Sheen’s third performance was on April 6, in Columbus, Ohio. It was modeled mostly after the second show, designed to cater toward the audience, but even then, reviews were mixed. At the end of the show, while many jumped out of their seats shouting expletives and catchphrases, more than a few people just wanted their money back.

Perhaps the success of the show is 100 percent geographically dependent or maybe certain people are simply allergic to the drug known as Charlie Sheen. Still, the tour is making boatloads of money, and it hasn’t even hit the West Coast yet. I sure as hell want to go, but I don’t have the extra money to shell out to those troll promoters. I’m sure if Charlie was in charge of every aspect of the show, it would’ve been completely free to anyone with Tiger Blood.

Either way, wherever this Torpedo of Truth sends Charlie in the end, one thing is for certain: he’ll be winning.

Ryan Cady is a first-year undeclared major. He can be reached at rcady@uci.edu.