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Faith No More – I’m still picking up the countless shards of my big-screen TV, which I promptly smashed to pieces upon learning recently that Glenn Beck’s daily program on Fox News will soon be no more. What do I do now? Beck was my Oprah. I hung on his every word and followed his advice about everything, and when that advice wasn’t always given directly, I inferred it based on Beck’s character and actions. For example, when unsure about dietary choices, I looked at Beck’s physical appearance and assumed that his advice would be to eat at KFC every day and never exercise. Let’s just say that at this point, I’m on a first-name basis with the manager of our local KFC, and I can’t remember the last time I set foot in the ARC.

Beck was my lifeline. Where am I going to go for crackpot conspiracy theories about how Barack Obama is a totalitarian socialist that is causing planet Earth to implode? I’ll be honest Đ I’m sincerely worried about my political positions. Beck somehow kept me thinking Obama was ultra-liberal even as he kept the Bush tax rates, doubled down on failed Bush-era war strategies, and caved in on just about everything about health care reform except for the name. Now, where can I turn to preserve my opinion that Obama is ruining our country? Come back, Glenn, and save us from the formidable temptations of the liberal elite media. It’s a dark, cold world of reason and facts out here.

Access Denied – Hey, New York Times, I hope you’re happy. I hope you are freaking giddy with glee. Do you even know what just happened? I got smacked in the face by your paywall the other day, and now I get my news exclusively from non-New York Times sources. Seriously, what did you think was going to happen? Did you think you could just change the terms of the game in the middle of our relationship, and I would just be cool with it? Is this where we are? I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I think I need to see other newspapers. Also, can I have my sweater back?

Way to think this one through, New York Times. How many planning meetings got spent on this? Look, I’m a part of the Facebook generation. We want everything right now, we only want to look at it for 15 seconds, and we don’t want to pay anyone a dime for it. Did you honestly think we were all just going to fall in line and pay for news when it is so easy to get for free? We were sort of hoping you would just keep going with your failing business model for the foreseeable future, but now you want to be able to do whatever you want, whenever you want, and expect us to still be here on the couch, waiting up late for you when your party is over. Nice move. I hope you enjoy your time back out there.

By the way, the irony of the fact that this rant is being expressed in the forum of a free newspaper is not lost on me.

Dodge That Guy – By now we’ve all heard about the guy that got brutally beaten at Dodger Stadium on Opening Day for wearing Giants gear to the game. There really is no way to make light of this situation. The victim remains in critical condition while those who committed this terrible crime remain at large. It’s just an awful thing in every possible way.

At this point, I think it’s blatantly obvious that Los Angeles sports fans are total assholes. Seriously, what is up with these people? If it’s not one thing, it’s another. I’m a pretty dedicated sports fan myself, but I just don’t see the need to flip over cars and burn trashcans when my favorite team wins a championship. In my hometown of San Antonio, they do things differently. When the Spurs win the NBA title, everyone is stoked, and they have a parade and people drink a lot and then they go home. Nobody hurts anybody else or damages property or sets the town on fire.

Also, one other quick point about those that committed this horrible crime: You just attacked another person because of the clothes they had on. I know you probably think you’re a total badass, but hitting someone because of a fashion disagreement isn’t exactly the best way to exhibit machismo. Get a life.

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