Drawn and Quoted

Calling BS on Soccer – Dear Everyone at UCI that Pretends They Like Soccer: Just stop. Look, we get it. You did a semester abroad and now you think there is an international element to your personality, and now you totally “get” soccer. Or maybe you’re a grad student that has to study languages, and you want to look sophisticated in front of the tenured professors whose jobs you will never have. Hey, the ladies like it, and you get to wear those spiffy soccer shirts and grow your hair out a bit and look European. But unlike actual Europeans, you don’t have universal health care and you were born and raised in Modesto, and you don’t get to just walk in on the soccer party. You don’t have to act like you have an emotional investment in how a Real Madrid game turns out (spoiler alert: it will probably end in a draw). It’s time to get over yourself and watch the NBA Playoffs with the rest of us.

Yes, soccer players go out and give it their all for a full game. I understand and respect that. Unfortunately, “their all” amounts to a game that is tied 0-0 at the end of regulation, and that just doesn’t do it for me. We both scream at the TV while we watch sports where millionaires run up and down a field and whine incessantly about the officiating, and it’s high time you realized that, too.

Except for the actual Brits that were drinking and watching the Manchester United game last time I was at the pub. You guys are cool. No hard feelings, mates. (Do they say “mates” in England? I don’t know.)

Grinds My Gears – Am I the only guy that has had enough of James Franco? Every senior at UCI with goals and aspirations has been rejected by multiple grad programs, and Franco is currently enrolled in like, five or six doctorate programs or something ridiculous like that. The research has been done, and there is no way that a single human being can handle that much schooling in that many different cities and act in multiple movies a year, all while smoking as much MJ as Franco clearly does.

Franco’s perfect admissions record proves what I’ve always suspected; grad schools don’t want highly qualified people or focused people or even people that have time to do the actual work the program requires. They just want people that make them look good, and if that means admitting James Franco and giving him a free pass on all of his coursework and assignments, so be it. It’s not what you know, it’s who you know. Just imagine it: If every school Franco attends had admitted someone that actually needs the networking and exposure instead, would he suffer at all from it?

On the off-chance that James Franco is a crazy superhuman alien freak that actually has time to do all the shit that he ostensibly does, I retract my previous statements and am totes jealous.

Leave Me Alone – People on Ring Road need to stop screaming at me and demanding that I purchase spam musubi, boba and/or Korean BBQ. This aggressive marketing is so out of touch with modern methods of interaction. Oh yeah? You want me to buy your club’s food? Send me a text or a Tweet or something. What? You don’t know my number or Twitter handle? That’s because we don’t know each other at all, which is part of the reason I’m not buying your club’s food. Everyone knows you are selling boba on Ring Road because you’re there every damn day. It’s not for lack of knowledge about available Ring Road food options that I am ignoring you. If I want to buy your club’s sub-par food, I will walk up to your table and ask for it. If I don’t, please let me walk to class in peace.

Spurs Rant – I grew up in San Antonio and am thus a die-hard fan of the San Antonio Spurs. For the last few seasons, I’ve had to deal with the fact that their pseudo-dynasty is slowly coming to an end as Tim Duncan gets older. It’s been a good run, and after four championships and a 10-year span with a higher winning percentage than any other franchise in American professional sports, it may be time to deal with reality.

Or maybe not! I’m sick of the half-baked sports journalism that we Spurs fans have to deal with every summer, and I know I’m about to have to deal with more of it. Every ESPN and Sports Illustrated writer is going to unanimously agree that the Spurs are done. They’re geriatric and they have no chance at winning another NBA title.

That may be the case, but for the last four or five seasons the story has always been the same: everybody says the Spurs are done, and then they come back and win 50 or 60 games the next year. So if everyone cries wolf again, and then the Spurs come back and have another great season next year, don’t say you weren’t warned.

Also, yes, all of us are aware that Manu Ginobili flops. We know. Deal with it.

Royally Lame – Is everybody over the royal wedding yet? This is what is wrong with America. We think people that consider themselves royalty are worthy of our attention. It’s an extension of our culture of celebrity worship, and that’s why we don’t blink when these inbred professional vacationers demand to be referred to as “Your Highness.”

Having said that, I concede that Kate Middleton is hot. Well played, Will.